Day 5

I took my dog for a walk and listened to some podcasts and didn’t realize because I already knew it, that I keep doing the hardest part of getting sober over and over again. Contemplating this I walked around the neighborhood as I have been doing for a year, I tried to count all the times I had any length of sobriety. The first time I actually tried I got to 196 days. That was 3 years ago. Since then, I have had 30 days here and there. 80 days, lots of 10 day streaks. I don’t get it. Lots of cognitive dissonance to work around, I suppose. I am anxious about telling my therapist tomorrow about the latest events.

This last drinking session with the professor scared the shit out of me. The fucking police. Fucking shit, I am not white trash enough for that to be the new normal. The booze will take me there and it did. There were no consequences and all the drama is gone with the weekend. I have blocked him on my phone except he can still leave me voice messages which he had the gonads to do last night. It basically said that he was sorry that this is my response. What the what? Really, you called the police on me and you think that can be fixed? No. You are lucky that this is my response, no contact. I have blocked his text messages so who knows what he has sent or how many. I locked all my doors and double checked them last night because I am not sure who I am dealing with as I had only known him for 3 weeks. It made me nervous.

Today is day 5. I haven’t gotten a lot done. I laid down to do a meditation after I had gone to lunch and grocery shopping with my mom and went into such a deep sleep for two hours that I could barely wake up, it was an odd sensation because I was dreaming that I had lost my pants and my friend had gotten a DUI as she was coming over for a May 1st celebration. I kept trying to open my eyes but they wouldn’t, falling back into the dream. I did find my pants before I finally was able to come out of the slumber.

I am hopeful that my brain is healing and my body is repairing itself because I have been eating well and exercising and sleeping so deep for long periods that I don’t want to fuck with alcohol anymore. It’s time to quit doing the hardest part over and over again. I’ve sat on the sidelines for way too long. I only have today to make this decision and that’s all I can do. I sure hope it sticks this time…

14 thoughts on “Day 5

  1. Reading this, I remembered how damned shit it was to start all over again and how exhausting (not alcohol for me, but other things). I’d watch others all optimistic and full of determination, and feel like punching them in the face. But you don’t sound beaten, you sound resigned. I’m so behind you. I wish that was some good to you.

    The professor sounds obsessive. I’ll bet he had been calling or texting a lot before he left you a vm, cos that’s not something folk do if they AREN’T calling. Stick to your guns! You’re totally doing the right thing by blocking and ignoring. Don’t give in. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s something going on with him… Something seriously is wrong with him. I am not going to have anything to do with him ever again. I do have some dignity left.
      You are right, I do feel resigned. I can take or leave all of the other stuff but alcohol because it is so prevalent and hard to avoid…. has become a problem and one that will never go away. Need better responses to the problem

      Liked by 2 people

      1. He sounds needy, toxic.

        Have you found any bloggers whose stories have resonated with you? One of my best mates speaks to me and he says almost identical things about alcohol being the one thing that’s unavoidable. I had to talk about my addictions and be brutally honest about how I felt. I still have to do that.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have lots of online support. I just don’t know anyone in person that doesn’t drink, well, a few people I know don’t, I need to reach out more.

        Like

  2. Check out the book Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. Maybe even mention it to your psych doc. I noticed in your header that you made mention of your father. We get sober and start treating the symptoms, and often wonder why we relapse. Dr. Miller will take you right to the cause. Courageous act on your part with the professor. That’s not a gentleman or a good person. You deserve both. All women do!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You can. In fact, you are well on your way.
    5 days is a great start. Keep doing what you are doing. Consider what stresses or issues you might face and plan for them. Do things differently than before.
    Engage support.
    The bottom is where you stop digging.
    And enjoy the sleep. It take time for the body and mind to heal. And lots of sleep.
    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  4. When I’m dealing with people who are disrespectful towards me, my favourite saying is “the best response is no response.” Aka “ghosting” these days I guess! I’ve learned there are some very clever but sick individuals who will relentlessly try to break through your barriers and all they want is to engage you. It can be a game for some. Some unbalanced minds thrive on adversity, will create it when it doesn’t exist, and perpetuate it for as long as they can. Stay strong and keep your barriers firmly in place! It sounds like that’s exactly what professorCreepo is trying to do by taunting you with “sorry that was your response.” You are doing all the right things right now!!! Have you listened to “Recovery Elevator” podcast? They have a website too. I also really like “Rise and Thrive Show” podcast. I like what Wendy says about remembering the icky places alcohol took you too if you think drinking is a good idea – I have mine noted in my phone “notes” for quick reference when needed. Huge hugs to a brave, strong, honest woman 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your response, I think he’s up in the night if he thought that I would talk to him again. Sucks to be you, dude.
      As for the podcasts, I listened to recovery elevator yesterday on my walk but hadn’t heard of the other one, so I will look for it. Thanks again

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I did it so I know you can. And the attitude to put distance on people like that is best. I really upset an old friend in my early days of sobriety but for me it was something I had to do. Good luck. And remember never give up giving up.

    Liked by 1 person

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