I took my dog for a walk and listened to some podcasts and didn’t realize because I already knew it, that I keep doing the hardest part of getting sober over and over again. Contemplating this I walked around the neighborhood as I have been doing for a year, I tried to count all the times I had any length of sobriety. The first time I actually tried I got to 196 days. That was 3 years ago. Since then, I have had 30 days here and there. 80 days, lots of 10 day streaks. I don’t get it. Lots of cognitive dissonance to work around, I suppose. I am anxious about telling my therapist tomorrow about the latest events.
This last drinking session with the professor scared the shit out of me. The fucking police. Fucking shit, I am not white trash enough for that to be the new normal. The booze will take me there and it did. There were no consequences and all the drama is gone with the weekend. I have blocked him on my phone except he can still leave me voice messages which he had the gonads to do last night. It basically said that he was sorry that this is my response. What the what? Really, you called the police on me and you think that can be fixed? No. You are lucky that this is my response, no contact. I have blocked his text messages so who knows what he has sent or how many. I locked all my doors and double checked them last night because I am not sure who I am dealing with as I had only known him for 3 weeks. It made me nervous.
Today is day 5. I haven’t gotten a lot done. I laid down to do a meditation after I had gone to lunch and grocery shopping with my mom and went into such a deep sleep for two hours that I could barely wake up, it was an odd sensation because I was dreaming that I had lost my pants and my friend had gotten a DUI as she was coming over for a May 1st celebration. I kept trying to open my eyes but they wouldn’t, falling back into the dream. I did find my pants before I finally was able to come out of the slumber.
I am hopeful that my brain is healing and my body is repairing itself because I have been eating well and exercising and sleeping so deep for long periods that I don’t want to fuck with alcohol anymore. It’s time to quit doing the hardest part over and over again. I’ve sat on the sidelines for way too long. I only have today to make this decision and that’s all I can do. I sure hope it sticks this time…