Where did all y’all go?

I bought a computer to be able to type out all of my woahs and loves…. and I have the perfect opportunity to do this. All my blogging pals have stopped. I am no better, but I shall start again

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Please don’t hand out the suicide prevention hotline like it’s a ticket to happiness

He probably got sick of not being able to go out in public because every asshole like me and you loved him (or hated him) and thought he had seen it all and wanted to choose his time. He could never escape to a remote island anymore without being seen. Maybe he was out of stories.

Maybe it was his time. Peace out

And fucking poor Kate Spade-who seemed like a darling- I would never spend that much on a purse. I hate carrying a purse. Maybe she was over it too, she could have gone into hiding on a remote island. She probably didn’t even know what it feels like to want to go to dingy places. And that’s her prerogative, she gets to decide.
Maybe it was a suicide pact.

And Robin Williams was sadder and I made peace with him. I probably handed out the suicide prevention hotline number too. But please stop people, and don’t pontificate on what you think as best on how that person died or should have died- they fucking died. Peace out, let them go in love.

Instead of handing out the suicide prevention hotline number, why don’t you go volunteer for the hotline? Seriously, what are you doing to help your neighbor? Humans need water and food, shelter, and community. I am missing one… or a million

Common denominators

I am here. Still circling the drain. Just kidding- not really…. ok, maybe a little. 8 days sober this time. Here’s what I put on Reddit yesterday- I have been embarrassed to tell y’all because I just don’t seem to learn do I?

He was very convincing and apologetic to get me back. That’s what happened- so 3 months later life is teaching me the same lesson. I am at the point that I wonder if I will ever “get it” and move forward.

Mindbending, Mindmending

I’ve been wanting to write all day to check in but my computer sucks, so phone it is…

I’ve been having a really hard time with the professor and the police and watching a fog of depression roll into my system. I’ve been trying to stay engaged with friends and family, however, I am not working now and I lost all motivation to even put myself out there to find a job. I would walk my dog and get a half a block away and turn around and come home. Endless hours of television. Skipping meals. No tears but sure signs of depression. Huge guilt for no motivation.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I told her even though I didn’t want to that I needed to make up with the professor and smooth things out and apologize. I knew that this is totally irrational but it felt like it might be the only way to get out of a major depressive episode that was surely heading my way. I would try to captivate my thoughts but they were uncontrollable because it felt like I had grooves in my brain and the obsession to drink was high and almost painful at times. Even though everyone was on my side and he was surely a creep, I started getting twitchy and it didn’t matter what the truth was, I couldn’t see it anymore. I just wanted out of this state I was in, which was likened to PTSD and dare I say, a dash of Stockholm syndrome.

I’ve seen her enough times now that she could read me. She knows enough of my past that perhaps this experience and wanting to “fix” it is rooted in my childhood trauma history and that I can’t just blow this off because it represented a new low and how I see myself. I am glad I was honest but I am not paying her to lie, however I did not expect to do EMDR that day. I’ve never done it before and my old therapist in Nashville was always hesitant because she said I was too sick. I am so glad she insisted because I almost said no and definitely started to disassociate in my body and in the room.

I have an understanding how EMDR works intellectually but after the experience of it, I just don’t get it and I am not going to question it or fuck with it. It worked. I am a believer. Instead of a firework display show with a symphony orchestra going on in my head, it’s now just a few annoying bottle rockets of fleeting thoughts. The compulsion for a drink is so minimal that it feels a little confusing.

I welcome the relief.

She also told me to stay away from stalker, serial killer crime shows but oh my gawd, Mindhunters on Netflix was so good. And I love the girls on My Favorite Murder podcast, I don’t know what I would do without them on my walks. SSDGM!

I found a new book today that I might get, from Trauma to Dharma- it just came out but if anyone has read it, let me know. And my therapist told me yesterday that she is a recovering alcoholic, which I kinda suspected but didn’t know know, this is good.

Police contacted

Putting the brakes on informing the Dean of what a sleaze bag he is, my dear friend is really good friends with the heads of the department and she said she would wait until I am comfortable. I may never be comfortable.

I contacted the police this morning and the officer called him and told him to quit texting and calling and to stay away from me. He said he would appreciate the same from me. Whatever, dude. I did send him a letter in the mail telling him to quit, I informed the police what was written and that this was before I found out about the stalking charges and three DUI’s. They said that was fine and if he tries to contact me again they will be there. He’s on their radar.

This sucks. I am going to an afternoon movie to get out of my head.