Day 4- writing through the witching hour

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going to be a nice office- look at the view- still a bit of snow

The Ski School Director asked me to come up to the resort and meet with him this morning to discuss next winter. It was the best job interview I have ever had (I knew I had the job,) we had to make it formal. He was so nice and complimentary and told me I was cool, that he liked me and I was exactly what they needed for their team of instructors next year. He said he wasn’t going to start me at the bottom of the pay scale because I have experience, even though its been twenty years and if I can get my PSIA (Professional Ski Instructors of America) certification in early in the year, they will raise it to the next tier.  I was a level II when I was in college which is difficult to get because of the clinics and testing but I let my dues go and now I have to start over which is fine.

I need some refreshing and I am sure things have changed, God knows the equipment has. We used to teach together at a different resort back in the 90’s but he was out doing private lessons and I was stuck with the running noses in groups of children. I don’t think he remembers me but I remember him.

I came away from that meeting feeling really good, even though I listened to a sober podcast driving up there and was totally riding with the not drinking thing and that this is a good choice. Thankful that I didn’t cave last night, the interview was what was getting me through to today and as soon as I got back to the car to head home, I felt like I should go to the liquor store. Get some wine. Celebrate. See if my girls will answer their phones this evening. I feel good. I was just making all of this shit up about how alcohol is not for me.

So, the phone could ring. I could slip.

I have been thinking a lot about the relationship with my girlfriend that I wrote about the other day. I haven’t spoken to her. I have seen her posts on social media… she’s been to three concerts, two in Vegas and then one here over the weekend and she got mad at me about fucking potato chips and a candy bar because she doesn’t have any money.  It’s really amazing that I even ate the things because of my history of anorexia. It just still blows my mind. I know there is more to it. I’m unsure of what the chocolate and potato chips represent to her. Maybe she thought that I took advantage of her hospitality. I don’t fucking know. Now, I am getting worked up thinking about it again.

I did a meditation last night with Insight Timer about letting hurt feelings go, watch them turn into smoke and visualize them going out the window.  My bed is next to a window and at first it was hard (because I suck at letting things go) then it started working and it was the last thing I remember until I dreamed that my cat had stolen my keys and put them in her fur pants pocket that I couldn’t get to…  little shit.

Anyhoozle, I got a text from the friend today saying she had a check for me from when I worked with her and asked how she could get it to me. I wanted to reply, “with an apology” or “why don’t you just keep it and put it in the potato chip/chocolate fund” but I am still waiting to respond until I can be an adult in the situation. It’s all so incredibly laughable. Fucking ridiculous.

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Breathe in
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Breathe out

I have another hour to go before the cravings start to wane. I would take my dog for a long walk but the street was so hot on his paws yesterday that we didn’t get three steps off the grass. And it’s hotter here today than it was yesterday.  I feel too guilty walking without him.

Sober On! Sober Folk

Back in the game (and not making any promises)

I have a really hard time letting things go. I have discovered that I am usually good at letting things be and not forcing them to be something different which I had to practice a lot on the Camino Maybe one day I will be able to let things go but for now this is what is working. Let it Be, Missy.

I don’t know what it is about this week in June but for the last three years, it’s been the beginning of another attempt at getting sober (fer realz this time- I say sarcastically.) Maybe it has to do with the summer solstice and the position of the sun and planets keep lining up that way or Father’s day or that I got too excited about the warm weather and am coming off a bender and I feel like shit. I can’t tell you for certain.

My first attempt, I had 6 months. My second attempt, around a 100 days or so. (There was a New Year’s resolution 6 months ago but that only lasted a few weeks but I have had less and less alcohol in my body each time I attempt continuous sobriety) I know what it feels like to feel good. I know how it is to go to parties and not drink. I know I can navigate it. Can’t say I always like it. Can’t say that I am excited that I am back here. I don’t know how any of this will turn out but I can say that I get it. I get what I need to do. I still listen to podcasts about sobriety. I still engage in meditation. Haven’t been to yoga for awhile because I haven’t found a studio nor a friend to go with me, I had a buddy in Nashville that was consistent. My friends in SLC are not consistent with much except that they drink a lot, it sucks but I am going to just let it be and do my own thing. That puts me in a bit of a quandary though because I need social stimulation. I need friends. I like things to do. Boredom is a huge trigger. So, you will probably be hearing a lot from me.

The last day or so, I have been thinking a lot about if I want to do this again and what it is going to entail. My spirit says yes, my mind says no. I got the app Sober Grid yesterday, not sure what to do with it. One girl said she was going to kill herself which made me sad for her and thankful I am not in that place anymore, I hope she doesn’t do it. I’ve had a lot of therapy. I’ve had a lot of experience of waiting things out until it passes. I know if I am craving alcohol that I probably haven’t eaten that day and should do that before I reach for the glass and once I have eaten the craving vanishes. Or have some tea. I know walking helps. I miss walking – the Camino walking- that’s all you had to do that day was just walk to the next spot, never mind your feet hurting or that your legs are spent, you’ll get there if you don’t stop and once you get there it is the best feeling in the world.

I get tired of all the “recovery speak” but still I am drawn to it. I just hate all the cliches and the redundancy of the words. I want new words. I want different feelings about all of this, I don’t want to go through PAWS again. I have some lexapro in case shit gets bad but I have not been on it for months and have only had a couple of dips into depression, they were very shallow dips. I keep it in case shit goes south.

My mom is making spare ribs for dinner. My brother is off being depressed somewhere because it’s Father’s Day and his daughter is out of town with his ex wife. I’m sitting here in my pajamas at 2 in the afternoon. I’m thinking about going to the old sports club that I belonged to as a child and see how much a membership is… they offer everything, tennis, swimming, yoga, weights, all of it. Plus it’s a happy place from when I was a kid. I could spend a lot of time there this summer. I need to keep my muscles and stamina for this winter and who knows, maybe I will make some friends.

 

 

Sitting on the fence again

Started a job yesterday and I was so hung over that my mom had to go to Wal-Mart for me to purchase the black pants that I needed, thank god she got the right size and she even hemmed them for me. Yes, I have a helicopter parent at 43. Once I got to the event I was fine and smiled and met everyone and it all worked out but for shit sake’s it was miserable getting there. That was the first hangover I had in months. My last post told y’all I could control my drinking. I can (not really) unless I am pissed off and I was pissed the night I was drinking.

I have this friend that I have known since the first day of sixth grade. Our relationship has been rocky for most of it. There have been years that we haven’t spoken to each other. It’s always been her that instigates the fights. I will do something that she “doesn’t approve of” and I am cut off and the outcast. The last big fight resulted of my telling our mutual friends that she had her feelings hurt because they teased her about her guitar playing. She screamed at me on the phone and then cut me off for two years. After that she made up with me when a mutual friend of ours shot himself in the head and it was all just tragic and surreal and we decided that life is too short or precious or whatever bullshit you want to insert there.

I feel like I have been walking on egg shells around her ever since, not rocking the boat, not giving her too much information about my thoughts or deeds because there is always a shitty comment or disapproval on her end. She always promised to come to Nashville, I would buy tickets for concerts and then she wouldn’t come, instead go to Vegas or Austin to see some other show. Oh and there was the time she invited all of our friends to her wedding except for me. We were in our twenties then but that one hurt. Her fiance said, “I had a bad aura” after meeting me once and I had just come from the hospital where my grandfather was dying. The marriage didn’t last. She became a lesbian to get out of it. She started coming around my group of friends again and I was encouraged to forgive her. I did. I have several times. She’s never asked for forgiveness I just do it. Actually her way of apologizing goes along the lines of “well, I’m over being mad at you, want to hang out?” I don’t think she has ever once said sorry to me.

Well, this time I really did it. I finished off her potato chips and half of a dark chocolate candy bar in the middle of the night. I was sleeping on her couch because I didn’t want to drive after having some wine. She saw that later in the day and I got a pissed off text. I was like really? I was starving. I was going to replace them which she demanded. Didn’t I just bring you a box (three boxes in the last month) of wine? Didn’t I just help you out at an event so you didn’t have to do it by yourself in the middle of the night and I still haven’t been paid? Not even sure if I am going to get paid. (She does flowers for weddings and I helped her strike which would have taken her twice as long if I hadn’t gone to help)

She’s always been shitty at money. She bought a $60 poster at a concert last week and is going to Vegas this weekend to see some other dumb show and she is pissed about some fucking potato chips and salted chocolate and played the broke card and that I had fucked up her day/week. I was supposed to check on her cats while she is gone but I told her I didn’t think I had the gas money to do it. I know it’s petty but fuck, seriously?

The guilts of the drinking are setting in, all of this could have been avoided had I not partaken in the sauce. It’s my fault that I am here with these feelings. She has her own substance abuse issues that she will never look at and it’s the rest of us who are fuckers. She smokes more pot than anyone I know. She condemns drinking but expects you to drink with her, I’ve only had a couple of glasses out of those boxes of wine that I have given her, I don’t really like boxed wine.

The other night before I ate all of her potato chips and chocolate she told me that perhaps she might be on the Autism spectrum. I responded that she was definitely on a spectrum (I was joking) but I wasn’t sure if I see autism. Now that she has said it though, I wonder. Could she be? Sometimes she acts like Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory but then again, I don’t really know much about autism, I’m not even sure if that’s what they are trying to say about Sheldon. She’s just always acted that way and I keep letting her. Our other childhood friends have dropped her, well, the females have, the dudes still hang around and that’s the thing about Utah, we’ve all known each other forever. Can’t go anywhere without running into old playmates.

Before I moved back to Utah I was a little nervy about how our relationship was going to go. And through this transition of moving and travelling and figuring out what the fuck to do next, she has been calling. Wanting to hang out, go eat, sit on her porch, or whatever. I’ve welcomed the company. My other friends are so busy with work and family that I am an after thought but it’s fine. I get it. And I am reaching out to other friends that I am still in touch with but haven’t seen much of in the last decade.

I’ve started a job and hopefully I will get tons of hours. I’m just a pee-on at a catering company but it works for now. And I have a job teaching skiing this winter. I’m looking at going to graduate school, just looking, I don’t know about all the debt part of it. I’m planning a trip to the South Pacific in September. Life is pretty good. I think I need to exercise more so I don’t lose my Camino muscles. I really like the way I felt until yesterday. And then it all came blaring back at me. It’s a slope. I should not be fucking with it.  So, why am I sitting on this fence?

Frankly, I’m just scared about going through the shitty part of quitting drinking again. I needed to vent about my dumb friend. I don’t know what to do with her, so I shall do nothing except bitch to all y’all. I’m sure there will be an angry letter soon to add to the box of shitty letters she has written to me. I sound so co-dependent. I’m not really except when it comes to her.  I keep giving her a pass. And when we are good, we are good. Any little thing can set her off though and I think I am too old for this bullshit.

The best revenge is to live a good life.

It’s all a memory 

I got home late Wednesday night. Picked up the dog from the kennel Thursday and he went straight to my mom and bypassed me. The cats yelled at me for a good hour and one of them pooped on my bed in the night while I was in it… little asshole. It’s Friday now and I think I have been forgiven. Back to the usual of following me around and waiting by the door.  My mom is following me around and talking nonstop and putting things away, so nothing has changed but I have. 

Not only my body which is solid muscle but my attitude and how I see things now. For starters, my girlfriends who are in shitty relationships, fuck that shit, I have no tolerance for assholes. Why continue when it clearly is not working? There are so many awesome people in this world, why hang with the ones that keep you down? What is it that makes us settle for less? 

I could take it to the metaphor of walking the Camino and we’re all following the arrows, we’re all moving in the same direction, some of us just have a different pace at certain parts of the trail… the trail of life, sometimes you just have to go it alone for a few kilometers or days but it’s inevitable that you will meet up with people. Your friends might catch up or you will find new ones. Just keep walking and stay true to your pace. 
Ok- so I wrote the above a few weeks ago and got distracted and didn’t finish nor publish. 

After a week of trying to start work not much was happening, so I took a short trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico to visit a friend from Tennessee. I love it down here. The art is mind blowing and the town is beautiful. I love all the Spanish! Perfect stop to contemplate what the hell I have been doing for the last few months. Yes, I have been drinking but not like a crazy fucker. I can stop after one and be fine- or have none if it doesn’t seem appropriate. It’s weird and not recommending anyone try. I know I am meant to be sober. And I admire the hell out of all y’all doing it. That’s why I decided to post today… Just let you know I am still here. Reading and rooting for you.  

The Camino did change me. Not huge changes but good enough for a positive impact. It was, by no means, easy. It opened my senses to understanding that I truly have all that I need. And when I do need something it will be provided. And it might sound strange but I feel protected, like I have something looking out for me. So many examples I could give, like last night I was hiking in the desert at sunset with my dog and a young New Mexican girl with a big fat black braid driving a pickup truck spotted a rattle snake and stopped to show me her Snapchat then she drove really fast and went and got her brother who killed it. They wanted the skin and the rattle. They said it was the biggest they had ever seen. Had she not been there to warn me, it was only 30 meters away from the direction we were walking, Cowboy could have been in big trouble. He’s never seen a snake but he chases anything that buzzes. It could have been a disaster. 

I was just going to stay here a few days in a hotel because my friend has a dog in an apartment and we didn’t want drama and then go camping in Colorado and go slow going home. My brother’s college friend saw on Facebook that I was here (I had forgotten he had moved here-) and offered me his house while he is out of town. So, that’s where I am at now. Going to go into town here in a bit and explore  (my friend is working, so I will see him tomorrow) and see what happens and who I can meet. 

Buen Sober Camino!  Keep rocking the free world- 

Fin Camino 

It’s been such a crazy walk/sleep/eat…. I can’t even begin to tell y’all…. but I have lived it, and loved it, even the shitty parts. I hate my fucking towel. 

I am in Santiago de Compostella (after walking 250 kilometers since Leon) and my tribe has all disbursed on their separate ways. I am going to Madrid tomorrow by train and stay for two days and I booked an earlier flight for Wednesday instead of Saturday because I am blowing through money and I am tired and miss my dog. I  will try to give y’all the low down soon. Buen Camino 

It’s a sign

I was feeling proud of myself yesterday for walking/finding my way through town from the bus station to the hostel that I didn’t even notice the Camino went right past me. So, after I wrote the whiney post this morning, I took a shower and went out in the cold morning and walked around and realized it was a fucking sign. A sign that I should continue on…

 I checked the route and tomorrow isn’t that difficult and there are plenty of hotels and stops to get food and it’s a fucking sign. I can’t ignore it. I still have more to learn from this and I was seriously enjoying myself even after my knee failed me. 

I’ve had to mostly rely on my intuition through these last few weeks that I haven’t been able to tap into as easily at home. I have gone with my gut for almost everything that I have done and it hasn’t let me down yet. I can feel the vibes from people and there is so much more to communicating than language. I might only be able to communicate as a three year old in Spanish but I can definitely feel your vibes. It’s a trip. 

As I was writing this post a bunch of birds-  pigeons and little ones surrounded my table and people stopped to watch. Old ladies thought it was hilarious. So, I guess that’s a sign too. I am ok with being the village idiot. Lord knows I have had lots of practice. 

Buen Camino