One week from today I will be on an airplane headed for Spain.
I drove up to the dog kennel yesterday just so I could visualize where he is going and make sure it is a place I am comfortable with and I am, for the most part, it is still the thing that is causing me the most angst. The staff seemed friendly and none of the dogs that were there seemed distressed. I hope he behaves himself and they treat him well. That’s about all I can do, right? My old guy, it has really surprised me how much I am attached to him and the feelings are getting stronger the closer I get to the departure date. It’s rough.
Another thing that has been a bit of a stick in my spokes is my old boss. I worked at this diner for most of my twenties. Lots of my life long friends have come from meeting them at this restaurant. It is a meeting place for the counter culture in the Salt Lake valley.
I got a call from them on Saturday after I had been into visit earlier in the week. They wanted me to buy into their business and then when they retire they will give it to me. She knows I have money from the sale of my house. I didn’t mean to tell her but she kept asking questions and pretty much figured out that it was quite a lot, enough to make a deal.
I don’t want to make a deal. I love them. I care about them, I want them to do well but I just can’t go into business with them. I didn’t say no on the official phone call, I said I would think about it. Bad mistake. I was flattered and for about 20 minutes I was considering it. It’s just the two of them and a few waitresses that run the place. It has legacy and loyal regulars. In fact, when I stopped in the other night, I was really feeling how it felt like home and how I had missed it and was glad to be sitting there, taking it in and relaxing.
I hadn’t eaten there in years because once I got food poisoning so bad that I missed my flight back to Tennessee but whenever I came to town in the 14 years that I was gone, I would pop in and say hi.
Sunday they started calling and texting. I responded with a sorry, I can’t do it. It didn’t end there. Then they just wanted to borrow money until the end of the month. Pay me lots of interest. Better than a bank.
So awkward. Makes my stomach hurt.
And you might be asking what does this have to do with sobriety? I don’t know, all of it. The husband is a prolific gambler. And with the desperation they were trying to contact me with made think that he was in trouble. Gawd, if he gets his fingers chopped off….. I mean, it’s not my responsibility, right? This addiction of his has been going on for thirty plus years. I hope they can figure it out but it sure has made a knot in my stomach. If it were money won from the lottery, I wouldn’t hesitate but it’s not. It’s my nest egg. It’s the money that’s going to get me through to the next phase. I didn’t inherit it. I made choices that turned out to be good and I need it to last until I figure out what I am doing.
It touches on every dysfunctional fiber that says to me in a surly voice, “I have been given too much already. That I don’t really deserve to have this money. That I should help them. That I should go without… That if I don’t share or give it all away then I am stingy.”
This is what kept me in the eating disorder and all the booze for so long. I was raised with material abundance and people saw it and knew it. I was always ashamed of it. It definitely didn’t make my life better, it was still crazy hard. My fucked up family and my dad did a lot of damage. It wasn’t worth the designer clothes and expensive cars. Fuck that shit. I just wanted to be seen for me. That’s why I joined the peace corps. It’s why I worked with the homeless and the mentally ill, it’s why people still owe me money that I will never see, it’s why I still drive the same car I have had for 25 years. It’s just all so dumb.
The psychic I saw the night before I left Nashville told me first thing that I was born lucky and won’t ever have to worry about money or begging but that I have to stop apologizing for it. It’s just the way it is for this lifetime. Ha! Not that I put a lot of stock into psychics but that was interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t have much money. This is all just so awkward to even talk about but if I don’t then it will fester.
I am trying to be well. Sick of being sick in my brain hole. Trying to make good choices. Trying to be a better person and careful with my sore spots.
Have a lovely sober week!