Another email to Belle

Holy Fucking Hell. It’s another day one. If this isn’t the last one, then fuck me.

It was the new boyfriend, I didn’t want to go on the date and I did and I’m not a terrible person, I just have a drinking problem. And boundaries problems and I wish I would’ve listened to my gut that said don’t go after he had sent me some demeaning texts earlier in the afternoon about Bill Cosby and other fucked up shit.
He’s a creep. I asked him several times to not talk to me like I was a prostitute and he wouldn’t stop. Actually, said he wasn’t paying me. When we got to his house, I refused to go in because I didn’t want to have sex and was going to walk home, or walk up the street and get a taxi or an uber, I just needed to get out of there. My friends didn’t live too far, so I was heading in that direction, nevermind that it’s midnight. He caught me out in the street and physically brought me back, he was berating me, calling me a fucking cunt, slut and a whore. I told him I will just sleep in my car until I can drive and he called the cops. I was just trying to get him to leave me alone so I could figure a way out of there.

I sat on the curb and waited for the cops who stayed with me until my brother could get there to pick me up. The cops told me he was an asshole and that they had had other situations with him before. And they were very kind to me. We all agreed I shouldn’t be driving. They knew I was stunned, I could not believe he called the cops. He told me he was calling them as a precaution that he didn’t get a sexual misconduct accusation because he’s a professor and that would be bad for the university, he told the police that he needed a drunk female escorted from his property. I wasn’t that drunk, (the cops even agreed) I just wasn’t taking his shit and he wasn’t getting what he wanted.

I had a few beers. Got treated as if I were an object, didn’t want to have sex and got the cops called on me. What a great time?

So, no more dudes and no more booze. I hate that this happened and I don’t think the universe could give me a bigger sign.

Thank God it wasn’t any worse than it already is… and at least the cops were nice. It took a minute for my brother to come so I took their picture to have a memory of how fucked up this is. And my brother was very understanding and glad I was ok and gave me advice/lecture about how there are more crazies in this world than kind people like us. And it doesn’t matter if they have a Ph.D or work in a ditch that I have to believe them the first time when they act like a dick. Have zero tolerance for bad behavior.

I didn’t want to tell you either, and i almost didn’t. I wish I would have stayed home but I didn’t because I am lousy for giving people the benefit of the doubt, after he apologized for the texts, I figured I was reading too much into it and it was just a date. I was going to tell him about my decision that you and I have been discussing.

I retrieved my car this morning and a little of my scruples but the rest of the day is a wash.

So, when wolfie starts up again, I will show myself this fucking photo and try to be grateful.

I have a good therapist. I see her again next Wednesday. In the meantime, I will lay low.

Thanks for reading and I am sorry too.

35 thoughts on “Another email to Belle

  1. That sounds terrifying. I could be wrong in mirroring, but I myself use to be a drama chaser. On some level, I loved pushing the boundaries to see how far something would go before it blew up. Or to see if I had the power to escalate the hell out of something and then bring it to a screeching halt (most times I failed at the latter). It wasn’t until I made peace with peace in my life (I thought peace = boring) and started to enjoy time with myself that sobriety really started to work for me. Anyway, I sure hope you find peace and sobriety in your life. Honesty is always a good starting point. No apologies needed. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Alcohol shuts up all the voices inside our heads including the instinctual, intuitive voice… the only voice we don’t want to shut up. It warns us and keeps us safe. Thank God you are okay after such a potentially dangerous experience. Thankyou for sharing when you found it hard to do so. I hope finding the courage to share feels cathartic and brings some inner peace to you today. ❤️ xo

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks, all the warning bells and whistles were going off and I ignored them because he talked a good game when I confronted him about it. I went to a girls’ night birthday party a week ago and decided I wasn’t going to hook up with him afterward because I was tired and wanted to go home. He blew up my phone with texts and phone calls and we just sat there and watched him spin out, my friend said she was giving me a bouquet of red flags because this was not cool. I deleted 800 texts from him that he had sent in just less than a week the other day. I knew better but didn’t do better because it was nice to be pursued and easy and I am rebounding from a breakup a month ago.

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      1. You deserve so much better. Life can be hard and misguided when we are feeling vulnerable. You remind me of my younger self in many ways especially the “drinking/attraction to bad boys” and I don’t know what to say to that younger self. I’m lucky I survived my early 20’s to be honest. You are seeing a therapist which is great. Meetings sound like a great idea too. Be kind to yourself. Count every little success (including sober days even if it’s not perfect) in your life – they will balance out the negatives. But, keep the bad experiences close as reminders of what you don’t want in your life and who you don’t want to let into your life. From all that you’ve shared here, you’ve already put a lot of work into recalibrating your life so keep going…it will happen for you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG, the drunken drama!! Did that! Sheriff was called over drunken brawling. BRAWLING. HELLO. That was a long time ago…. I think the cop pic is a very good reminder to keep your shit together both soberly and relationship-ly. I’m here to tell you that any relationship that starts out like this one only gets worse because they figure out how much they can fuck with you and still have you stay. Then comes the gaslighting, the projecting of bad behavior on to you, the blaming, manipulation…etc. It’s a fucking nightmare. Then you have kids with the fucker and you’re stuck dealing with him for life. ASK ME HOW I KNOW THAT. When you are ready you’ll find the person who thinks you’re a precious gift. I hate to be sappy but that is true. You have to be able to accept that someone thinks you’re awesome, though. So take care of yourself and remember that you deserve that.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks and I know. I already tried to shake him twice and when the cops came I told him I was never talking to him again and he’s blocked. He knows where I live but if he shows up at all in my neighborhood the police will be notified. I doubt he will, I am sure he will move or to his next conquest. I wish there were a way to warn people. He was so arrogant. Damn, I am mad at myself for letting it go past a first date.

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      1. Yes!! There should be a Yelp for exes!! You did better than me, I married mine. Don’t beat yourself up. In fact, do the opposite. And you have a great friend who reminded you of the red flags.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. The news is slowly circulating with my friends and a few of my girlfriends are ready to post flyers on the campus that he works at to warn others. I don’t want to get in trouble for libel because he would most likely retaliate, so maybe when fall semester starts… but yes, there needs to be an app to keep creeps in check.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Holy crap he sounds terrible!!! I’m happy you made it out safely of that shit. Over and out of that. Just keep your goals girl, maybe hit the gym and focus on YOU. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, it sucks but I feel better today and my girlfriends are circling the wagons. If he had any decency he would have just called me a taxi, instead he had to do a power play move because he wasn’t getting his way. I seriously think he’s a sex addict.

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  5. Congrats on day one!!! I know you’ve had a day one before BUT this is a new one – and you are filled with what you’ve learned in the way. Have to get you day one to get to all the others – keep going ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. He sounds like an abusive, misogynist arsehole and you are worth so much more than that. Don’t be hard on yourself, please. ❤❤ It may be (another) day one, but THIS one comes with the knowledge that you stopped taking his shit…and with that knowledge comes power (lol). Love to you x

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Nightmare, glad you got out ok. It’s really simple , all you need is to want and accept sobriety is for you. Thanks for your selfless sharing, honesty is what keeps us sober. And meetings…lots of meetings S Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. OMG, I don’t think I’d ever date again! You must be having nightmares about this crazy guy. How horribly hate-filled he must be. It could have happened to any one of us. And it so does go with the drinking. I had years of awful drama and 100% of it stopped with the drinking. You deserve a much better life. Hang in there! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comments, I admire your blog … I would like to say that I am not a drama creator but I sure got there this time. It was day 4 at a new attempt of sobriety and I went out with a bang.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for the blog comment. 😀
        I wouldn’t say I was a drama creator either, but it sure followed the drinking. I think the professor was the drama creator here and you were an unlucky bystander. It has to go uphill from here! 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m glad you have another “day one”. Some people never have another day one and the ending isn’t good.
    Oh, and the first time someone calls you those names is the last time. At that level, there are no second chances. Sobriety is going to require that you take care of and protect yourself. For the time being, you come first. IMHO.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. What a horrible horrible experience. I’m glad your brother came and the cops were kind. Shudder. That man deserves to be outed, but be careful , you might not be in the right place to do that right now. Take care of you first 🌷x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. He sounds like a douche bag babes! Glad you got out unscathed (relatively). What always fucked me off is how men would use the fact that you had some beer as an excuse to treat you like shit. Oh…you know she’s just a drunk slut who’se going to care how i treat her? Honey, getting sober isn’t a straight line! Its 10 steps forward and 2 steps back…just ask me I’ve done it enough times 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, what I have been wrestling with is the shame that I had been drinking so I let this happen to myself and its my fault, all of it, because that is society’s narrative or the fact that he’s just a fucker and me drinking had nothing to do with his shitty behavior. Call a spade a spade. “This doesn’t happen to nice sober girls” can kiss my ass.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I should have said ‘some’ men. Not all men. Some men see drunk women as easy prey. Some men abuse and rape women who are passed out and cannot possibly give consent.

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