It’s my first Monday morning not working, without a job. It’s not as satisfying as I thought it would be, last Monday I woke up wishing it was this Monday and here I am, not being very grateful. It’s a glorious rainy morning but I have slept as long as I can. I don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday I had the “blahs” so bad that I only got dressed to go to the market because I was watching that show about O.J. Simpson and they said, “Juice” so many times that I had to go get orange juice. I stopped watching it after I returned with the OJ. I got bored. I’ve been on this kick about women’s prisons lately and found some new episodes.
I’m waiting for the inspector and appraiser to make appointments so I can move forward in the sale of my house. I have no idea when this will happen. Hopefully soon because I need to buy my plane ticket to Spain before my friend leaves without me. I hope this contract is secure and the house sells without a hitch. I’ve gotten a decent offer and I am trying not to be worried that if it falls through I will have to lower my price to unload it quicker. Hence, the no job thing. I could get a job. A temporary one. I’m going to approach that on Wednesday if it starts to get really gloomy inside my head. (I just freaked myself out a little talking about the contract)
This last month has been a state of flux. Not bad. Just trying not to get ahead of myself in doomed thinking patterns that I tend to do. I’m excited about this change. This new adventure that is coming up, very slowly, I might add, is keeping me in the moment because I don’t know what will actually happen. No clue. I have a tentative plan but nothing concrete, for reals, for certain. I may be here awhile. I could leave tomorrow. I don’t have much money, so that is disconcerting but I don’t really spend money. I can live on very meager amounts.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have more sober time before I make these changes like they tell you to do. My word for 2017 is SOBER and my percentage of being sober this year so far is pretty high- it’s not a 100% but I have never claimed to be a perfectionist. God damn alcohol and luring effects and the 4 o’clock shakes and the few “fuck its” have happened. I hate it. I need better tools or to actually use the ones I have, instead of ignoring them. I’ve been thinking of finding some women’s meetings to fill all of this time that I have and its cheap entertainment. I don’t want to drink because it makes me really sick physically (and do and say stupid shit.) I love how my body feels sans the alcohol. I can’t believe how sick I would walk around in my day-to-day life and not even know it. I had no clue that without the poison my body could actually function pretty well, that it could feel this good. I used to just get over hangovers to try not to get so hung over again. Oh man, I wasted a lot of time. I would marvel at morning traffic and wonder if there was anybody out there that felt as miserable as I did. Wonder how many people were feeling like complete shit. They all looked so happy in their cars and having somewhere important to go, I was certain that I was the only complete fuck up (then I found all of you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) That’s why I am not waiting. I need inspiration. I need change for change sakes. I’ve been at this a long time. I feel ok. I am ok. This has to happen, whatever this is….