Day 5

I took my dog for a walk and listened to some podcasts and didn’t realize because I already knew it, that I keep doing the hardest part of getting sober over and over again. Contemplating this I walked around the neighborhood as I have been doing for a year, I tried to count all the times I had any length of sobriety. The first time I actually tried I got to 196 days. That was 3 years ago. Since then, I have had 30 days here and there. 80 days, lots of 10 day streaks. I don’t get it. Lots of cognitive dissonance to work around, I suppose. I am anxious about telling my therapist tomorrow about the latest events.

This last drinking session with the professor scared the shit out of me. The fucking police. Fucking shit, I am not white trash enough for that to be the new normal. The booze will take me there and it did. There were no consequences and all the drama is gone with the weekend. I have blocked him on my phone except he can still leave me voice messages which he had the gonads to do last night. It basically said that he was sorry that this is my response. What the what? Really, you called the police on me and you think that can be fixed? No. You are lucky that this is my response, no contact. I have blocked his text messages so who knows what he has sent or how many. I locked all my doors and double checked them last night because I am not sure who I am dealing with as I had only known him for 3 weeks. It made me nervous.

Today is day 5. I haven’t gotten a lot done. I laid down to do a meditation after I had gone to lunch and grocery shopping with my mom and went into such a deep sleep for two hours that I could barely wake up, it was an odd sensation because I was dreaming that I had lost my pants and my friend had gotten a DUI as she was coming over for a May 1st celebration. I kept trying to open my eyes but they wouldn’t, falling back into the dream. I did find my pants before I finally was able to come out of the slumber.

I am hopeful that my brain is healing and my body is repairing itself because I have been eating well and exercising and sleeping so deep for long periods that I don’t want to fuck with alcohol anymore. It’s time to quit doing the hardest part over and over again. I’ve sat on the sidelines for way too long. I only have today to make this decision and that’s all I can do. I sure hope it sticks this time…

Advertisements

Another email to Belle

Holy Fucking Hell. It’s another day one. If this isn’t the last one, then fuck me.

It was the new boyfriend, I didn’t want to go on the date and I did and I’m not a terrible person, I just have a drinking problem. And boundaries problems and I wish I would’ve listened to my gut that said don’t go after he had sent me some demeaning texts earlier in the afternoon about Bill Cosby and other fucked up shit.
He’s a creep. I asked him several times to not talk to me like I was a prostitute and he wouldn’t stop. Actually, said he wasn’t paying me. When we got to his house, I refused to go in because I didn’t want to have sex and was going to walk home, or walk up the street and get a taxi or an uber, I just needed to get out of there. My friends didn’t live too far, so I was heading in that direction, nevermind that it’s midnight. He caught me out in the street and physically brought me back, he was berating me, calling me a fucking cunt, slut and a whore. I told him I will just sleep in my car until I can drive and he called the cops. I was just trying to get him to leave me alone so I could figure a way out of there.

I sat on the curb and waited for the cops who stayed with me until my brother could get there to pick me up. The cops told me he was an asshole and that they had had other situations with him before. And they were very kind to me. We all agreed I shouldn’t be driving. They knew I was stunned, I could not believe he called the cops. He told me he was calling them as a precaution that he didn’t get a sexual misconduct accusation because he’s a professor and that would be bad for the university, he told the police that he needed a drunk female escorted from his property. I wasn’t that drunk, (the cops even agreed) I just wasn’t taking his shit and he wasn’t getting what he wanted.

I had a few beers. Got treated as if I were an object, didn’t want to have sex and got the cops called on me. What a great time?

So, no more dudes and no more booze. I hate that this happened and I don’t think the universe could give me a bigger sign.

Thank God it wasn’t any worse than it already is… and at least the cops were nice. It took a minute for my brother to come so I took their picture to have a memory of how fucked up this is. And my brother was very understanding and glad I was ok and gave me advice/lecture about how there are more crazies in this world than kind people like us. And it doesn’t matter if they have a Ph.D or work in a ditch that I have to believe them the first time when they act like a dick. Have zero tolerance for bad behavior.

I didn’t want to tell you either, and i almost didn’t. I wish I would have stayed home but I didn’t because I am lousy for giving people the benefit of the doubt, after he apologized for the texts, I figured I was reading too much into it and it was just a date. I was going to tell him about my decision that you and I have been discussing.

I retrieved my car this morning and a little of my scruples but the rest of the day is a wash.

So, when wolfie starts up again, I will show myself this fucking photo and try to be grateful.

I have a good therapist. I see her again next Wednesday. In the meantime, I will lay low.

Thanks for reading and I am sorry too.

Monumental Dick Move

I got broken up with yesterday via text and not knowing what to do myself, I made a giant dick out of snow.

Today the shaft came down and if I can muster the energy I will turn it into a heart.

This sucks but what is coming out of how badly I feel, I need to focus on the goal of living a life worth having and making it into my own. Not someone else’s prerequisites or half assed ambitions. Or my own half assed ambitions.

The ski season will be over in about a month and then a new adventure starts, I wonder where it will go. It’s time to focus on how to make that happen. Staying sober and taking care of my body is first for today.

Am I the Asshole?

My biggest fear is that I am the Asshole.

I first learned this about myself in the drinking card game, Asshole. I’m not even sure how you play it these days but if you showed me your hand of cards, I could win. President of the Assholes.

I’m the nicest person you can meet. Your children adore me. I’m terrified I might let one drop off the chairlift so I hang on tight.

wp-1518654201987..jpg

 

 

Hello Possums

I’ve been quickly reminded as to why it has been awhile since I posted. The two computers that I have easy access to suck rocks. So outdated and it takes an hour for them to turn on, if I hadn’t spent so much money on ski boots I would surely buy a new laptop. Oh hell, eventually I will get one. I thought about it during the holiday sales but since then I have been on the mountain or recovering from the mountain. Today is my day off but I am up at the ususal hour, drinking coffee, listening to the rain (YES, it’s raining in January in Utah, another thing that sucks rocks) and am going to stumple through writing this very awkardly while being a truth slayer.

So, HELLOOO POSSUMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Thanks Ladies for your emails. It was sweet of you, my virtual friends.)

Let’s see where to start?

Sobriety. I drank. Not a lot but more than a few times during the holidays. It sucked but it was fun too but not really only for about an hour. I don’t know why I did it, I just forgot that feeling good and being level headed was a thing that I was striving for and the cravings came on so strong when I started skiing regularly, I was transported back to the days of the fake I.D. at my first ski job. Something about the smell of snow makes me want to have a strong beer in the afternoon. However, while I waded through the waters of addiction again, I am back on sober island. I am not going to drink with my coworkers. Bad idea. As much as I want to be a part of the group, I’m kinda older than them and I don’t want things to get sticky. I started dating a guy and he doesn’t drink. He doesn’t know to the extent of which I battle it, I have tried to tell him but the lights haven’t come on yet, hopefully it won’t come to that… I am scared to death for it to become an issue in our relationship. His reasons for not drinking are totally different than mine and he doesn’t miss it. Will I have a glass of wine tonight? I don’t know, probably, I’m meeting his family. I shouldn’t. Need to set the intention that I won’t. Sex is so much better without it. Plus he said, I couldn’t smoke, I said, we’ll see about that. I also have to work tomorrow. Intention set, not going to drink the first time I meet his parents and siblings. Watch and see how much they drink first. I have a bit of a cold, I am working Thursday and hopefully skiing with them Friday at another resort. All of these are good reasons to go without for a night.

Food. It took a hard nose dive. I think I am back on track. Was actually hungry for breakfast yesterday. This is hard. Skiing five days a week. While I am not skiing difficult runs everyday, just the mere calories burning to stay warm is a reason to eat. It’s not hard like the Camino hard but it’s still a workout that I have to monitor with rest and hot showers and sustenance.

Love. I really don’t know what to do about this, he really, really likes me. “And so he should,” says my mother. It started off pretty hot. I’m not going to lie. I met him at the second indoor training and I thought he was someone else from the old skiing days. Turns out he wasn’t. Then he was in my training clinics and I saw him ski. I felt this electricity feeling when we were in the same room or on the chairlift. We carpooled a couple of times. Then went on a date. I kissed him because I knew he wanted to get kissed and now here I am. Oh, wait, he’s a massage therapist. I got a massage first, carpooled, then went on a date. He came to Christmas at my family’s, which was small and low key. We actually worked Christmas Day. I’m making him keep our relationship secret from the resort. He’s the New Hire Golden Boy, he’s been in the business for the last 30 years and has lots of connections and I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t grooming him to be something with a title in the ski school. He made me chicken noodle soup the other night because I had a cold coming on, and NOW I am staring at this computer screen trying to connect with what I should be feeling about this guy. I think I am scared of him. Not him, per se but the whole reality of him. The sex is really incredible. It’s different from any other guy I have ever been with and I have really been trying hard to get over my hangups about sex, the shit from my conservative upbringing. Even telling y’all about it feels wrong but it’s not like I haven’t talked about sex before in my posts, I have fresh eyes thanks to the exMormon sub on reddit. I’m kinda screwed up when it comes to sex and relationships.

I know what is thwarting my feelings for New Hire Guy, it’s the Old Boyfriend that called at midnight on New Year’s Eve after my plans with NHG disappated and I was home with my mom drinking wine. The old boyfriend said he still loved me and wished I was there. I was so mad the next morning. Oh pissed the right the fuck off and a little hungover. So I think at that point I just shut all feelings down about everyone, maybe even my feelings for my dog a bit too. I know Old Boyfriend did it because he sensed that I was seeing someone else. He did it with my ex fiance. And while I love Old Boyfriend, it’s never going to happen, it’s been almost 10 years. If it were going to happen it would have by now, GEEZZZ LOUISE! Go away. (But don’t go too far- is like the next thing out of my mouth) I live in Utah. He’s back in Tennessee. What a fucker.

New Hire Guy is Korean. He was adopted by a white American family in Michigan when he was 4. I think they were pretty well off because he grew up skiing Aspen but I don’t know a whole lot about them. Eighteen of them are in town for the week in a rented house in Park City to ski. What the hell am I doing? The whole adoption thing freaks me out but so far he seems pretty stable.He’s had therapy. He lived in an orphange until he was adopted that he says he doesn’t remember much nor his first year in the States. He’s never been back to South Korea. We’ve both been engaged twice but never married. We don’t run out of things to talk about even though we haven’t talked about everything and my family seems to like him. My mom doesn’t want him spending the night. I don’t blame her, it makes me feel awkard too. I’d have to clean my room. He’s met a couple of my friends. We eat out a lot. He has a weird house mate that isn’t comfortable with me there. I don’t get it. So, it’s just kinda like… here we are. I think I have been subconsciously avoiding him for a few days. He’s sweet though and I should give him a chance.

Work. Lots of egos, lots of fun. I have one supervisor that is a dick but other than that it’s pretty good. I work with the kids. Tips are better than they used to be. Flirt a little with the dads. I’ve already said it’s physically taxing. I was in a training with some people and had a crash in front of my boss. It hurt me.

And shook my confidence. It’s all healed up on the surface but it still hurts down deep on the bone. It just needs to fucking snow. I decided I would start thinking about my future plans and goals in February until then stay sober and you aren’t skiing hard enough if you aren’t falling.

Oh and don’t worry. I have a new therapist. She’s pretty bad ass and won’t take my shit about drinking or the anorexia.

This Here Is My 100th Post

I love you guys, reading my dribble. I don’t even give you my best stuff as far as writing goes, you get my truth and still I get likes and loving comments. I started this blog and never anticipated it meaning much. The saying, “You get out of it what you put into it,” I haven’t put my heart into it most months but I do put my heart into what y’all are writing on your blogs and I just want you to know that I really appreciate your posts and knowledge.

×××××××××÷÷÷÷÷÷÷××××××÷÷÷××÷

I wrote a big ole thing and it got lost because I have an old laptop that isn’t updated. Dang it.

Fuck it. I am going to buy a new computer soon.

In the meantime, just putting a face to the words. All the women in my family (Aunts, cousins, nieces) have been paid and pursued for their modeling/ good looks careers and I have been the ugly duck…. over here smoking cigarettes and not shaving my legs and flipping the bird.

ExMormon Sober

I’ve been over on the exMormon reddit sub for a week and a half and fuck. These people are nuts. I feel for them. Here’s a video:

I left THE Church when I was 16. They made me president of the young women’s while I was smoking and drinking and said that God wanted me as their leader… that’s when I hightailed it out of there. I didn’t trust their discernment. I told them I didn’t believe in their gospel and to this day, my eyes and brain will gloss over with boredom when I hear anyone talking about the faith. It is so boring. And SO NOT TRUE- I don’t even know what that means… how do you know what’s true? Rules? Underwear?

I  mentally check out when I hear the Mormon/Utah diction in someone’s voice. The Book of Mormon is one of the most boring THEE and THOU bullshit. I love Shakespeare but I can not pay any tribute or study to the Book Of Mormon which they are trying to go for, the King James version when they pray. I’d rather die. Or roll over and pretend that it wasn’t happening, it’s something that has been going on with me since I was a child.

When I did go to church, I would pass on the readings in class and one leader made fun of me because she said I didn’t know how to read, told everyone I was illiterate. I couldn’t read OUT LOUD all those stupid scriptures and make them sound like sentences or make them make sense or true. I would just look at the reading and stumble. I was writing in my journal like they taught us to do. I have them since I was 8 years old. What a mean bitch!

It wasn’t until I took Italian in college that I gained confidence in reading out loud. Isn’t that crazy?  Italian is phonetic. Has an accent. I can read you anything now, in front of any audience and sound like I am telling a story and it will make sense, (in English). I am a good reader of reading out loud, thanks to that teacher at the University of Utah for Italian. She didn’t like me the last quarter of five quarters together because I fucked up and didn’t do my homework for the final because my boyfriend was heading off to Julliard, so I got a C on my final grade but she gave me an invaluable gift.  She taught me to look at the words and feel them in my mouth and understand their meaning and help the listener relate to what I was saying.

Che Bello!

Before that I was always stumbling…

I left the Mormon Church a long, long time ago. 1990. When I was an exchange student in Sweden I would write to my youth group and tell them my doubts and how I got drunk. I got letters back from the leaders (not the same leader that said I was illiterate… she has a prescription pill problem now and accidentally burnt her house down)  saying I shouldn’t tell the girls about how I was drinking but how life was going. I am glad they wrote me. Letters in the mail were a lifeline.

My drinking and the Mormon church has nothing to do with my addiction.

Or does it?

I drank to rebel. I remember when I started smoking that it was my “smoke signal” so nobody would ever mistake me as a Mormon and I am still addicted today.

All I have to say, before this gets too long.  I called my girlfriend tonight from Scratch Ankle, Tennessee (yes, that is a real place) so I could talk to someone who is “normal.” I’m having a hard time in my relocation because my friends aren’t my friends anymore. I’m doing a much better job at being sober and feeding myself. I can’t wait for it to snow and friends for that to pop up because we are ski buddies. My extended family doesn’t want anything to do with me because I left the Church… it’s just me and my mom and my fur family (two cats and a dog) watching our favorite shows because I stopped reaching out to the old pals, drunks and believers.

I went to some AA meetings. I almost made some connections. I was turned off because a lot of them got up and said that they thanked their higher power and also the Church. I can hear it in their voice/accent. I know a Mormon before he even admits it just by the way he talks, walks and vibes.

I just can’t do another cult.

Sober Island …