Please don’t hand out the suicide prevention hotline like it’s a ticket to happiness

He probably got sick of not being able to go out in public because every asshole like me and you loved him (or hated him) and thought he had seen it all and wanted to choose his time. He could never escape to a remote island anymore without being seen. Maybe he was out of stories.

Maybe it was his time. Peace out

And fucking poor Kate Spade-who seemed like a darling- I would never spend that much on a purse. I hate carrying a purse. Maybe she was over it too, she could have gone into hiding on a remote island. She probably didn’t even know what it feels like to want to go to dingy places. And that’s her prerogative, she gets to decide.
Maybe it was a suicide pact.

And Robin Williams was sadder and I made peace with him. I probably handed out the suicide prevention hotline number too. But please stop people, and don’t pontificate on what you think as best on how that person died or should have died- they fucking died. Peace out, let them go in love.

Instead of handing out the suicide prevention hotline number, why don’t you go volunteer for the hotline? Seriously, what are you doing to help your neighbor? Humans need water and food, shelter, and community. I am missing one… or a million

Common denominators

I am here. Still circling the drain. Just kidding- not really…. ok, maybe a little. 8 days sober this time. Here’s what I put on Reddit yesterday- I have been embarrassed to tell y’all because I just don’t seem to learn do I?

He was very convincing and apologetic to get me back. That’s what happened- so 3 months later life is teaching me the same lesson. I am at the point that I wonder if I will ever “get it” and move forward.

Mindbending, Mindmending

I’ve been wanting to write all day to check in but my computer sucks, so phone it is…

I’ve been having a really hard time with the professor and the police and watching a fog of depression roll into my system. I’ve been trying to stay engaged with friends and family, however, I am not working now and I lost all motivation to even put myself out there to find a job. I would walk my dog and get a half a block away and turn around and come home. Endless hours of television. Skipping meals. No tears but sure signs of depression. Huge guilt for no motivation.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I told her even though I didn’t want to that I needed to make up with the professor and smooth things out and apologize. I knew that this is totally irrational but it felt like it might be the only way to get out of a major depressive episode that was surely heading my way. I would try to captivate my thoughts but they were uncontrollable because it felt like I had grooves in my brain and the obsession to drink was high and almost painful at times. Even though everyone was on my side and he was surely a creep, I started getting twitchy and it didn’t matter what the truth was, I couldn’t see it anymore. I just wanted out of this state I was in, which was likened to PTSD and dare I say, a dash of Stockholm syndrome.

I’ve seen her enough times now that she could read me. She knows enough of my past that perhaps this experience and wanting to “fix” it is rooted in my childhood trauma history and that I can’t just blow this off because it represented a new low and how I see myself. I am glad I was honest but I am not paying her to lie, however I did not expect to do EMDR that day. I’ve never done it before and my old therapist in Nashville was always hesitant because she said I was too sick. I am so glad she insisted because I almost said no and definitely started to disassociate in my body and in the room.

I have an understanding how EMDR works intellectually but after the experience of it, I just don’t get it and I am not going to question it or fuck with it. It worked. I am a believer. Instead of a firework display show with a symphony orchestra going on in my head, it’s now just a few annoying bottle rockets of fleeting thoughts. The compulsion for a drink is so minimal that it feels a little confusing.

I welcome the relief.

She also told me to stay away from stalker, serial killer crime shows but oh my gawd, Mindhunters on Netflix was so good. And I love the girls on My Favorite Murder podcast, I don’t know what I would do without them on my walks. SSDGM!

I found a new book today that I might get, from Trauma to Dharma- it just came out but if anyone has read it, let me know. And my therapist told me yesterday that she is a recovering alcoholic, which I kinda suspected but didn’t know know, this is good.

Police contacted

Putting the brakes on informing the Dean of what a sleaze bag he is, my dear friend is really good friends with the heads of the department and she said she would wait until I am comfortable. I may never be comfortable.

I contacted the police this morning and the officer called him and told him to quit texting and calling and to stay away from me. He said he would appreciate the same from me. Whatever, dude. I did send him a letter in the mail telling him to quit, I informed the police what was written and that this was before I found out about the stalking charges and three DUI’s. They said that was fine and if he tries to contact me again they will be there. He’s on their radar.

This sucks. I am going to an afternoon movie to get out of my head.

Day 5

I took my dog for a walk and listened to some podcasts and didn’t realize because I already knew it, that I keep doing the hardest part of getting sober over and over again. Contemplating this I walked around the neighborhood as I have been doing for a year, I tried to count all the times I had any length of sobriety. The first time I actually tried I got to 196 days. That was 3 years ago. Since then, I have had 30 days here and there. 80 days, lots of 10 day streaks. I don’t get it. Lots of cognitive dissonance to work around, I suppose. I am anxious about telling my therapist tomorrow about the latest events.

This last drinking session with the professor scared the shit out of me. The fucking police. Fucking shit, I am not white trash enough for that to be the new normal. The booze will take me there and it did. There were no consequences and all the drama is gone with the weekend. I have blocked him on my phone except he can still leave me voice messages which he had the gonads to do last night. It basically said that he was sorry that this is my response. What the what? Really, you called the police on me and you think that can be fixed? No. You are lucky that this is my response, no contact. I have blocked his text messages so who knows what he has sent or how many. I locked all my doors and double checked them last night because I am not sure who I am dealing with as I had only known him for 3 weeks. It made me nervous.

Today is day 5. I haven’t gotten a lot done. I laid down to do a meditation after I had gone to lunch and grocery shopping with my mom and went into such a deep sleep for two hours that I could barely wake up, it was an odd sensation because I was dreaming that I had lost my pants and my friend had gotten a DUI as she was coming over for a May 1st celebration. I kept trying to open my eyes but they wouldn’t, falling back into the dream. I did find my pants before I finally was able to come out of the slumber.

I am hopeful that my brain is healing and my body is repairing itself because I have been eating well and exercising and sleeping so deep for long periods that I don’t want to fuck with alcohol anymore. It’s time to quit doing the hardest part over and over again. I’ve sat on the sidelines for way too long. I only have today to make this decision and that’s all I can do. I sure hope it sticks this time…

Monumental Dick Move

I got broken up with yesterday via text and not knowing what to do myself, I made a giant dick out of snow.

Today the shaft came down and if I can muster the energy I will turn it into a heart.

This sucks but what is coming out of how badly I feel, I need to focus on the goal of living a life worth having and making it into my own. Not someone else’s prerequisites or half assed ambitions. Or my own half assed ambitions.

The ski season will be over in about a month and then a new adventure starts, I wonder where it will go. It’s time to focus on how to make that happen. Staying sober and taking care of my body is first for today.

Am I the Asshole?

My biggest fear is that I am the Asshole.

I first learned this about myself in the drinking card game, Asshole. I’m not even sure how you play it these days but if you showed me your hand of cards, I could win. President of the Assholes.

I’m the nicest person you can meet. Your children adore me. I’m terrified I might let one drop off the chairlift so I hang on tight.

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Hello Possums

I’ve been quickly reminded as to why it has been awhile since I posted. The two computers that I have easy access to suck rocks. So outdated and it takes an hour for them to turn on, if I hadn’t spent so much money on ski boots I would surely buy a new laptop. Oh hell, eventually I will get one. I thought about it during the holiday sales but since then I have been on the mountain or recovering from the mountain. Today is my day off but I am up at the ususal hour, drinking coffee, listening to the rain (YES, it’s raining in January in Utah, another thing that sucks rocks) and am going to stumple through writing this very awkardly while being a truth slayer.

So, HELLOOO POSSUMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Thanks Ladies for your emails. It was sweet of you, my virtual friends.)

Let’s see where to start?

Sobriety. I drank. Not a lot but more than a few times during the holidays. It sucked but it was fun too but not really only for about an hour. I don’t know why I did it, I just forgot that feeling good and being level headed was a thing that I was striving for and the cravings came on so strong when I started skiing regularly, I was transported back to the days of the fake I.D. at my first ski job. Something about the smell of snow makes me want to have a strong beer in the afternoon. However, while I waded through the waters of addiction again, I am back on sober island. I am not going to drink with my coworkers. Bad idea. As much as I want to be a part of the group, I’m kinda older than them and I don’t want things to get sticky. I started dating a guy and he doesn’t drink. He doesn’t know to the extent of which I battle it, I have tried to tell him but the lights haven’t come on yet, hopefully it won’t come to that… I am scared to death for it to become an issue in our relationship. His reasons for not drinking are totally different than mine and he doesn’t miss it. Will I have a glass of wine tonight? I don’t know, probably, I’m meeting his family. I shouldn’t. Need to set the intention that I won’t. Sex is so much better without it. Plus he said, I couldn’t smoke, I said, we’ll see about that. I also have to work tomorrow. Intention set, not going to drink the first time I meet his parents and siblings. Watch and see how much they drink first. I have a bit of a cold, I am working Thursday and hopefully skiing with them Friday at another resort. All of these are good reasons to go without for a night.

Food. It took a hard nose dive. I think I am back on track. Was actually hungry for breakfast yesterday. This is hard. Skiing five days a week. While I am not skiing difficult runs everyday, just the mere calories burning to stay warm is a reason to eat. It’s not hard like the Camino hard but it’s still a workout that I have to monitor with rest and hot showers and sustenance.

Love. I really don’t know what to do about this, he really, really likes me. “And so he should,” says my mother. It started off pretty hot. I’m not going to lie. I met him at the second indoor training and I thought he was someone else from the old skiing days. Turns out he wasn’t. Then he was in my training clinics and I saw him ski. I felt this electricity feeling when we were in the same room or on the chairlift. We carpooled a couple of times. Then went on a date. I kissed him because I knew he wanted to get kissed and now here I am. Oh, wait, he’s a massage therapist. I got a massage first, carpooled, then went on a date. He came to Christmas at my family’s, which was small and low key. We actually worked Christmas Day. I’m making him keep our relationship secret from the resort. He’s the New Hire Golden Boy, he’s been in the business for the last 30 years and has lots of connections and I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t grooming him to be something with a title in the ski school. He made me chicken noodle soup the other night because I had a cold coming on, and NOW I am staring at this computer screen trying to connect with what I should be feeling about this guy. I think I am scared of him. Not him, per se but the whole reality of him. The sex is really incredible. It’s different from any other guy I have ever been with and I have really been trying hard to get over my hangups about sex, the shit from my conservative upbringing. Even telling y’all about it feels wrong but it’s not like I haven’t talked about sex before in my posts, I have fresh eyes thanks to the exMormon sub on reddit. I’m kinda screwed up when it comes to sex and relationships.

I know what is thwarting my feelings for New Hire Guy, it’s the Old Boyfriend that called at midnight on New Year’s Eve after my plans with NHG disappated and I was home with my mom drinking wine. The old boyfriend said he still loved me and wished I was there. I was so mad the next morning. Oh pissed the right the fuck off and a little hungover. So I think at that point I just shut all feelings down about everyone, maybe even my feelings for my dog a bit too. I know Old Boyfriend did it because he sensed that I was seeing someone else. He did it with my ex fiance. And while I love Old Boyfriend, it’s never going to happen, it’s been almost 10 years. If it were going to happen it would have by now, GEEZZZ LOUISE! Go away. (But don’t go too far- is like the next thing out of my mouth) I live in Utah. He’s back in Tennessee. What a fucker.

New Hire Guy is Korean. He was adopted by a white American family in Michigan when he was 4. I think they were pretty well off because he grew up skiing Aspen but I don’t know a whole lot about them. Eighteen of them are in town for the week in a rented house in Park City to ski. What the hell am I doing? The whole adoption thing freaks me out but so far he seems pretty stable.He’s had therapy. He lived in an orphange until he was adopted that he says he doesn’t remember much nor his first year in the States. He’s never been back to South Korea. We’ve both been engaged twice but never married. We don’t run out of things to talk about even though we haven’t talked about everything and my family seems to like him. My mom doesn’t want him spending the night. I don’t blame her, it makes me feel awkard too. I’d have to clean my room. He’s met a couple of my friends. We eat out a lot. He has a weird house mate that isn’t comfortable with me there. I don’t get it. So, it’s just kinda like… here we are. I think I have been subconsciously avoiding him for a few days. He’s sweet though and I should give him a chance.

Work. Lots of egos, lots of fun. I have one supervisor that is a dick but other than that it’s pretty good. I work with the kids. Tips are better than they used to be. Flirt a little with the dads. I’ve already said it’s physically taxing. I was in a training with some people and had a crash in front of my boss. It hurt me.

And shook my confidence. It’s all healed up on the surface but it still hurts down deep on the bone. It just needs to fucking snow. I decided I would start thinking about my future plans and goals in February until then stay sober and you aren’t skiing hard enough if you aren’t falling.

Oh and don’t worry. I have a new therapist. She’s pretty bad ass and won’t take my shit about drinking or the anorexia.