I’ve been quickly reminded as to why it has been awhile since I posted. The two computers that I have easy access to suck rocks. So outdated and it takes an hour for them to turn on, if I hadn’t spent so much money on ski boots I would surely buy a new laptop. Oh hell, eventually I will get one. I thought about it during the holiday sales but since then I have been on the mountain or recovering from the mountain. Today is my day off but I am up at the ususal hour, drinking coffee, listening to the rain (YES, it’s raining in January in Utah, another thing that sucks rocks) and am going to stumple through writing this very awkardly while being a truth slayer.
So, HELLOOO POSSUMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Thanks Ladies for your emails. It was sweet of you, my virtual friends.)
Let’s see where to start?
Sobriety. I drank. Not a lot but more than a few times during the holidays. It sucked but it was fun too but not really only for about an hour. I don’t know why I did it, I just forgot that feeling good and being level headed was a thing that I was striving for and the cravings came on so strong when I started skiing regularly, I was transported back to the days of the fake I.D. at my first ski job. Something about the smell of snow makes me want to have a strong beer in the afternoon. However, while I waded through the waters of addiction again, I am back on sober island. I am not going to drink with my coworkers. Bad idea. As much as I want to be a part of the group, I’m kinda older than them and I don’t want things to get sticky. I started dating a guy and he doesn’t drink. He doesn’t know to the extent of which I battle it, I have tried to tell him but the lights haven’t come on yet, hopefully it won’t come to that… I am scared to death for it to become an issue in our relationship. His reasons for not drinking are totally different than mine and he doesn’t miss it. Will I have a glass of wine tonight? I don’t know, probably, I’m meeting his family. I shouldn’t. Need to set the intention that I won’t. Sex is so much better without it. Plus he said, I couldn’t smoke, I said, we’ll see about that. I also have to work tomorrow. Intention set, not going to drink the first time I meet his parents and siblings. Watch and see how much they drink first. I have a bit of a cold, I am working Thursday and hopefully skiing with them Friday at another resort. All of these are good reasons to go without for a night.
Food. It took a hard nose dive. I think I am back on track. Was actually hungry for breakfast yesterday. This is hard. Skiing five days a week. While I am not skiing difficult runs everyday, just the mere calories burning to stay warm is a reason to eat. It’s not hard like the Camino hard but it’s still a workout that I have to monitor with rest and hot showers and sustenance.
Love. I really don’t know what to do about this, he really, really likes me. “And so he should,” says my mother. It started off pretty hot. I’m not going to lie. I met him at the second indoor training and I thought he was someone else from the old skiing days. Turns out he wasn’t. Then he was in my training clinics and I saw him ski. I felt this electricity feeling when we were in the same room or on the chairlift. We carpooled a couple of times. Then went on a date. I kissed him because I knew he wanted to get kissed and now here I am. Oh, wait, he’s a massage therapist. I got a massage first, carpooled, then went on a date. He came to Christmas at my family’s, which was small and low key. We actually worked Christmas Day. I’m making him keep our relationship secret from the resort. He’s the New Hire Golden Boy, he’s been in the business for the last 30 years and has lots of connections and I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t grooming him to be something with a title in the ski school. He made me chicken noodle soup the other night because I had a cold coming on, and NOW I am staring at this computer screen trying to connect with what I should be feeling about this guy. I think I am scared of him. Not him, per se but the whole reality of him. The sex is really incredible. It’s different from any other guy I have ever been with and I have really been trying hard to get over my hangups about sex, the shit from my conservative upbringing. Even telling y’all about it feels wrong but it’s not like I haven’t talked about sex before in my posts, I have fresh eyes thanks to the exMormon sub on reddit. I’m kinda screwed up when it comes to sex and relationships.
I know what is thwarting my feelings for New Hire Guy, it’s the Old Boyfriend that called at midnight on New Year’s Eve after my plans with NHG disappated and I was home with my mom drinking wine. The old boyfriend said he still loved me and wished I was there. I was so mad the next morning. Oh pissed the right the fuck off and a little hungover. So I think at that point I just shut all feelings down about everyone, maybe even my feelings for my dog a bit too. I know Old Boyfriend did it because he sensed that I was seeing someone else. He did it with my ex fiance. And while I love Old Boyfriend, it’s never going to happen, it’s been almost 10 years. If it were going to happen it would have by now, GEEZZZ LOUISE! Go away. (But don’t go too far- is like the next thing out of my mouth) I live in Utah. He’s back in Tennessee. What a fucker.
New Hire Guy is Korean. He was adopted by a white American family in Michigan when he was 4. I think they were pretty well off because he grew up skiing Aspen but I don’t know a whole lot about them. Eighteen of them are in town for the week in a rented house in Park City to ski. What the hell am I doing? The whole adoption thing freaks me out but so far he seems pretty stable.He’s had therapy. He lived in an orphange until he was adopted that he says he doesn’t remember much nor his first year in the States. He’s never been back to South Korea. We’ve both been engaged twice but never married. We don’t run out of things to talk about even though we haven’t talked about everything and my family seems to like him. My mom doesn’t want him spending the night. I don’t blame her, it makes me feel awkard too. I’d have to clean my room. He’s met a couple of my friends. We eat out a lot. He has a weird house mate that isn’t comfortable with me there. I don’t get it. So, it’s just kinda like… here we are. I think I have been subconsciously avoiding him for a few days. He’s sweet though and I should give him a chance.
Work. Lots of egos, lots of fun. I have one supervisor that is a dick but other than that it’s pretty good. I work with the kids. Tips are better than they used to be. Flirt a little with the dads. I’ve already said it’s physically taxing. I was in a training with some people and had a crash in front of my boss. It hurt me.
And shook my confidence. It’s all healed up on the surface but it still hurts down deep on the bone. It just needs to fucking snow. I decided I would start thinking about my future plans and goals in February until then stay sober and you aren’t skiing hard enough if you aren’t falling.
Oh and don’t worry. I have a new therapist. She’s pretty bad ass and won’t take my shit about drinking or the anorexia.