I had heart palpitations during the last withdrawal. It was an odd sensation, like a kitten doing a somersault in my chest. I was at work on Wednesday and I was feeling ok. Sitting at my desk and all of a sudden it felt like someone tipped the boat over, I grabbed the desk and didn’t know what happened. I was a little stunned, I was sitting down. Took some deep breaths and tried to ignore it. Y’all are the only people I have told. Even though it wasn’t a two day hangover, looking back now, I am fairly certain that my body was still trying to rid itself of the damage I had done on Monday night. I’ve heard people talk about palpitations during hangovers and withdrawal but hadn’t ever really had them myself. Not like that anyway. Scary. Plus the particular brand of eating disorder I have wrecks your heart… silent panic with a huge wave denial. I turn 46 on Sunday and I could be a candidate.
I also finally quit my job that day. At least, I told them. The end is near… just another week or two.
Nashville called and I am going to go work my old corporate Christmas decorating job for a month in November and then by the time I get back, the ski season will have already started and I will be full time at the resort. So long, soul sucking office job!
Things are good. I feel pretty good physically, (haven’t had anymore heart stuff) which helps the mentally… and I am glad I signed up for the school. Even with my minimal engagement with the school’s online community it is helping.
I feel like I am doing something different about a problem that I haven’t been able to fix. Granted I have had longer boughts of sobriety and I am more nervous about down the road than I am about this weekend. I can handle staying sober this week. I can construct my weekend to be in the sober zone. The motivation is that the thought of drinking or being buzzed/drunk disgusts me at the moment. I can tell that my sense of smell is better already and the thought of having to smell alcohol in order to drink it sounds like a terrible idea. Blech!
I also had to apologize to my therapist. God, I was pissed at her. I told her so through a few emails. It was about my drinking and how she didn’t act like it was a big deal. She’d take my money whether I was sober or not. I am a believer that in order to evolve or progress or fix/change things with someone like me who drinks too often, uses alcohol as their main coping mechanism for the shit (and good times) won’t be able to heal. Or the healing process will take a much, much longer time and I will continue to circle the drain. Tired of the drain.
Last thing before I sign off, I am having to take a drug test for “Making Christmas Great Again” in Nashville. I am out of weed. I didn’t smoke that much but it was daily for about a year. I had a large stash that finally ran out last night. I am relieved it’s gone but also a bit trepidacious… I never got super stoned just a few puffs here and there nightly in order to tolerate the mundane of my evenings. Hopeful the lack of weed doesn’t send me to the liquor store.
Have I told you about my idea for an emergency button that you could push if you do find yourself inside a liquor store? You don’t really want it but you don’t know what else to do. So, just before you get to the counter (or even after) you can push this emergency button and someone comes out and gives you a hug and a cup of tea and listens to your woes until the urge to drink passes. I have thought about this button at least the last 30 times I have stopped at the liquor store and wished for one. I think the Mormons would go for it.. alcohol is so regulated here… ha. Naw, actually I am sure it would piss people off if the Mormons interceded. I just wonder how many others feel the way I do, standing in that line. Some of them look really rough.
Not funny? I am still blaming the Mormons a bit.