Day 8

I had heart palpitations during the last withdrawal. It was an odd sensation, like a kitten doing a somersault in my chest. I was at work on Wednesday and I was feeling ok. Sitting at my desk and all of a sudden it felt like someone tipped the boat over, I grabbed the desk and didn’t know what happened. I was a little stunned, I was sitting down. Took some deep breaths and tried to ignore it. Y’all are the only people I have told. Even though it wasn’t a two day hangover, looking back now, I am fairly certain that my body was still trying to rid itself of the damage I had done on Monday night. I’ve heard people talk about palpitations during hangovers and withdrawal but hadn’t ever really had them myself. Not like that anyway. Scary. Plus the particular brand of eating disorder I have wrecks your heart… silent panic with a huge wave denial. I turn 46 on Sunday and I could be a candidate.

I also finally quit my job that day. At least, I told them. The end is near… just another week or two.

Nashville called and I am going to go work my old corporate Christmas decorating job for a month in November and then by the time I get back, the ski season will have already started and I will be full time at the resort. So long, soul sucking office job!

Things are good. I feel pretty good physically, (haven’t had anymore heart stuff) which helps the mentally… and I am glad I signed up for the school. Even with my minimal engagement with the school’s online community it is helping.

I feel like I am doing something different about a problem that I haven’t been able to fix. Granted I have had longer boughts of sobriety and I am more nervous about down the road than I am about this weekend. I can handle staying sober this week. I can construct my weekend to be in the sober zone. The motivation is that the thought of drinking or being buzzed/drunk disgusts me at the moment. I can tell that my sense of smell is better already and the thought of having to smell alcohol in order to drink it sounds like a terrible idea. Blech!

I also had to apologize to my therapist. God, I was pissed at her. I told her so through a few emails. It was about my drinking and how she didn’t act like it was a big deal. She’d take my money whether I was sober or not. I am a believer that in order to evolve or progress or fix/change things with someone like me who drinks too often, uses alcohol as their main coping mechanism for the shit (and good times) won’t be able to heal. Or the healing process will take a much, much longer time and I will continue to circle the drain. Tired of the drain.

Last thing before I sign off, I am having to take a drug test for “Making Christmas Great Again” in Nashville. I am out of weed. I didn’t smoke that much but it was daily for about a year. I had a large stash that finally ran out last night. I am relieved it’s gone but also a bit trepidacious… I never got super stoned just a few puffs here and there nightly in order to tolerate the mundane of my evenings. Hopeful the lack of weed doesn’t send me to the liquor store.

Have I told you about my idea for an emergency button that you could push if you do find yourself inside a liquor store? You don’t really want it but you don’t know what else to do. So, just before you get to the counter (or even after) you can push this emergency button and someone comes out and gives you a hug and a cup of tea and listens to your woes until the urge to drink passes. I have thought about this button at least the last 30 times I have stopped at the liquor store and wished for one. I think the Mormons would go for it.. alcohol is so regulated here… ha. Naw, actually I am sure it would piss people off if the Mormons interceded. I just wonder how many others feel the way I do, standing in that line. Some of them look really rough.

Not funny? I am still blaming the Mormons a bit.

14 thoughts on “Day 8

  1. I occasionally ha heart palpitations. I read about “holiday heart” that people get this after holidays with lots of drinking. I knew it was not a good sign. Sigh.

    It also ramped up my anxiety/paranoia.

    I don’t miss that. That’s a horrible feeling.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The universal bright yellow sign of liquor stores always bothered me when I was still deep in it. Seeing it was a huge trigger. I thought if they just had a more unique sign, it wouldn’t stand out as much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Here they look like the DMV or some other state run facility. Not flashy at all and there is no wine in the grocery stores. They just passed a law so other stores besides the liquor store can sell beer with a ABV higher than 3.5%.

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  3. I understand the scary feeling of heart palpitations. I’ve had them my entire life, even as a kid. When heavily drinking they’re very persistent and all the time n hangovers omg, the worst ones. I still get them now suddenly outta the blue for a few seconds which sometimes takes my breath away. I’ve learned to live w them and breath through em, anxiety is a bitch and something I’ll always have but I’m aware of it and can work thru. Years ago I’d gone to the ER a few times scared outta my mind I was for sure going to have a heart attack n die. The EKGs were always normal of course lol. Also, my brand of eating disorder causes heart palpitations too so there’s also that, AND ALSO, when you’re pre-pms’ing, that also causes heart palpitations I’ve recently learned. Aren’t we so lucky?? I hope you’re feeling better and kudos on quitting that job💜👍🏼

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    1. I seriously didn’t know what happened until I thought about it later. I had to get EKGs when I was in treatment for ED and they were always normal. One more reason to add to my list of why drinking sucks. Hope you are well.

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      1. Murphy’s law… every time I had an EKG, my heart was beating normal always and never did anything out of the abnormal it was annoying lol. They always thought I was crazy which I prolly was. But no I wasn’t, you know when your heart stops beating. It takes your breath away, and then does that super hard double beat in your chest when it starts up again. Not fun. Regardless, I’ve learned I’m not having a heart attack (yet), and that if I’m having some heart palpitations now it’s either my period coming or from some sugar I ate or whatever. But that it’s fairly normal now n then and I breath thru it. The ED tho… I’m working on getting that under control bc it has to stop. I’m scared to DEATH of the side affects that have been happening to me and could only get worse if I continue and that scares the shit out of me. It’s gotta stop. Good on you also for day 9 today woooo!!! Xx

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      2. Oh sugar, yes it does need to stop. I don’t know what you go through, if it’s a binge and purge cycle those cause a lot of damage to your body. I was in so much denial about mine that it took a major meltdown and a very smart therapist to get me into a program. I starve myself. But in treatment there were all kinds of eating disorders and I learned a lot. As scary as it fucking was to go, because I was the oldest one in my group and had to take a an extended period of time off of work and telling my family (who still encouraged the behavior) it was worth it. I don’t know what you want to do about it but it’s hard to stop it by yourself, as you know, a therapist maybe?

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      3. You hit the hammer on the nail… it started a few years ago when with the ex bc he always wanted to eat out n didn’t know how to cook, n I can’t handle that rich buttery greasy eating out food constantly… it was never about fear of gaining weight it was bc I didn’t want my system to have to digest that food cuz it was give me so many issues and it would take days to digest it and I’d be in pain. So throwing it up became an easy solution. He never even knew, he was too dumb and clueless to ever pickup on what I was doing. So it continued. Not every day, not every time but it was my solution. That continued for a few years and it wasn’t until this year after I returned from Vegas in May that it really took a life of its own and controlling me. It’s fucked. Like I’m on autopilot and I’m planning nights in to binge on food and then throw it all up wasting so much money. After awhile I’m starting to notice side affects after reading up on Bulimia and maybe that’s what I’ve become. How did this happen to me? It came out of no where, I was never like this. But now I am and I’m scared to death of it. I’m not 10+ years into it but I’m far enough along into it that it’s taking a bad toll on my body and will only get worse if I don’t do something about it. I’ve been carrying it around with me for years, nobody knew. I would drop hints at people and binge eating but nobody ever picked up on it my passive hints for help. I’ve desperately wanted to tell someone for awhile. I finally did the other day. A coworker I’m close to but not particularly close to personally even tho we spend more time together than anyone else in my life. My work wife i would call her. Anyway, I told her the other day… I felt I had to tell someone and she felt like the right person. She listened and cares and says she’s so happy she told me and that it’s such a good first step. I feel so much better having finally said it out loud. That I’m Bulimic and I’m scared to death of it. That I want to stop the cycle and I don’t want to live with this or like this anymore. How did I become this way? It just happened and it progressed very fast. I gained almost all my weight back, im bloated, my hairs falling out sometimes, the skin on my face looks horrible, my left ear is fucked, I had to go to the dentist yesterday emergency appt bc my gun started bleeding and it’s traumatized. This has all been an eye opener for me and I’m done. The fact that I said it out loud and acknowledged it makes me feel that I can finally beat it, it’s not a secret anymore. And here I am telling you and the whole world lol… I don’t care tho I’m done dealing with this in secret on my own. I don’t have money for a therapist so this has to be something I can beat on my own and ya that’s hard but I’ve made a huge step this week and the fact that these side affects are happening scares the crap of me. It’s real. And if I don’t do something right now, I’m going to be in major trouble down the road. I can reverse it if I do something now (I hope). Anyway…. all that on top of dealing with sobriety oh man… what a shit show lol. 55 days sober today tho, can you believe that??? 🙀

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      4. 55 days is fucking amazing. That’s something to be proud of for yourself. I think I already knew that the bulimia was an issue, maybe something you said in a post or something. I am glad you told your friend and me. It’s such an ugly beast to deal with alone. My girlfriend had her esophagus rupture and it was ugly, she survived but I learned in my EMT course that you can actually die from a ruptured esophagus because it is so close to major arteries and shit. Same with stomach linings.
        Let’s find you some resources, books/podcasts because it definitely is a mindfuck to stop. It doesn’t matter how it started you deserve to recover. Most therapists have sliding scales.

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      5. Oh my that sounds terrifying what happened to her! To be honest, I had some seriously violent episodes where I’m surprised that didn’t happen to me or that my eyes didn’t pop out of my head. I’d eat so much that it was just a lump in my stomach and it wouldn’t come up. I’d try and try and try, till my head felt like it was going to explode and finally my body would let it happen. It was gross. I’m lucky I haven’t had anything explode on me inside… so scary. Many people must be living w this illness in silence bc I mean, who wants to tell anyone they stuff their face full of food till their so sick then puke it all up violently? Not me I know that, how embarrassing but it’s life threatening and I’m so done with it. Definitely not the way I wanna go… happy that you’re friend ended up being okay. So scary!

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    1. I have been thinking about you… I am stranger to vomiting because of drinking… I get so sick. I had a dentist ask me once if I were bulimic and I said, “just beer bulimic.” It’s one of the most violent acts your body can perform angst itself. I am sorry you are struggling with it, I get where you are at, just the admitting it to other people and the embarrassment and all that it entails. Reach out if you need to talk. I also have an email, SoberIsland2017@gmail.com.

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