Codependent responsibility?

I am sitting here at my desk on my phone with a horrible case of anxiety sitting in my stomach while it churns what feels like a gallon of acid. I need to quit my job. I am trying to work up the nerve to tell them. Why is this so difficult for me? I hate this job. The pay is shit. I’ve given it over a year and every morning if I allow myself to think about it, I dread it.

If I could, I would just gather up my belongings and head out the door. My sense of responsibility to this place is keeping me in my chair.

In some ways, it’s an ideal job. Don’t have to dress up, I work with just two other people. One from skiing who is easy, the other one, not so much.

I called out yesterday because I couldn’t take it anymore. At least not yesterday morning. The guilt of that shit makes me crazes. Can’t say I enjoyed my day off… but got some shit done. Took my skis to get tuned, which isn’t easy in the summer months and I hope I get them back in time to board my flight next Friday. And caught up on 90 day fiance… so not productive and my head was spinning. My mom came in my room in the middle of the night because she thought I was barfing. No, just restless sleep of agony.

So why all this urgency to quit? I only see a dead end. No room for growth. I asked for a raise and didn’t get much of one… just a slight one, not what I asked for and at first they tried to justify the automatic 12 cents was good enough for this year. They told me I had to earn it. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to even ask and it wasn’t until I was really pissed because another thing had been dropped on my desk that they could have done themselves. I have a feeling, if I were a man, they would have given me what I asked for, which is a competitive wage for what I am doing in the job market. I researched it. I am just the office girl who does all the shit you don’t want to do and I want out. Now. Done. Misogyny is thick in the sand and gravel industry.

I’ve been working at a country club too, serving drinks by the pool and I make twice the money in 1/2 the time and don’t have to use my brain at all. Well, just the part that keeps me from calling people assholes.

It’s been two hours and I am still sitting here sick. Gawd, I hate myself sometimes.

10 thoughts on “Codependent responsibility?

  1. Any chance you could line up the new work before giving notice at your hated job? Might alleviate the anxiety some, to be able to truthfully say, “I’ve been offered more hours at the country club and I’ve decided to take those, so I’m giving my notice here. Thanks so much for all you’ve taught me and for the experience…” or something similar (there’s always something we’ve learned, even if it’s indirectly/what not to do)…

    I hear you though about the anxiety. It’s so so so hard to feel you’re letting someone down. But I wouldn’t worry about that sense of responsibility. They have to expect that employees will quit if they don’t give decent periodic raises for good work, or other incentives to stay. If you give the agreed-upon amount of notice (as per company policy) you are still acting perfectly responsibly.

    I do remember later wishing, though, when I’d quit one particular job I intensely disliked and felt unappreciated at, that I had lined up sure-thing work before quitting. It’s always easier to find work while you’re still employed.

    Sending hugs and hopeful soothing vibes… 💛and a hot water bottle for your knotted tummy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. The country club would give me as many hours as I wanted. They seemed kind of excited when I told them one day last week that I was fixin to quit this office job. But, I will secure that again when I work next.

      The stomach is feeling betterish. I think I just let my brain run wild in all of the “what ifs” but I know what I am going to do and it’s not this shit…

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Girl, it’s such a heavy dreadful feeling hating your job. I’ve been there and it SUCKS!! It lead me to take stress leave because I couldn’t stop balling one more at the thought of having to go to work and then once I forced myself to get there, the crying continued. It was bad. I hope your find your way… there’s something better for you out there, I know it. The anxiety isn’t worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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