Cagado de miedo (Scared Shitless)

My trip to Chile has been postponed a week and moved to another resort. I was going to Valle Nevado on August 1st which I was anxious about but not too, too worried. Due to the lack of snow storms, my group decided we would have a better time in Portillo and we have made the necessary changes. Holy shit, I am scared.

This is what my people are wanting to ski. While I am certainly not going to be featured on any Warren Miller flicks any time soon… I can do it. One way or another. I keep telling myself, at least you won’t hit a tree. (Portillo is above the tree line in the Andes Mountains)

I am not in shape but when am I ever? I always have grandiose ideas that I will start lifting weights and change the contour of my muscles. I am walking and hiking and doing some yoga. Feeling ok. Trying to eat more than I think I should but that isn’t easy.

In other news, my therapist and I have come upon some research that anorexia nervosa may not be just a psychological disorder but more ingrained in genetics and metabolism. No shit. I could have told you that… yes, I have behaviors that are weird around food but I am not doing it on purpose and after 4 years of CBT therapy, I still struggle finding a consistent hunger for food. Nothing has to happen for me to skip a few meals. I am growing weary of the endless lame ass shit. Hopefully, there will be a new treatment discovery for this hell. I would like a pill, please. Something to override whatever it is that makes my body want to starve itself.

One last picture of our lodging, can’t help but think of The Shining when I see it.

This is going to be a once in a lifetime experience… Lord knows I have spent more money than I wanted to and don’t know when I can afford to go back. Going to have to suck the marrow out of this one and take in all that it has to offer. Scared or not, doing it anyway … staying sober so I can feel good.