What are the things?

I unceremoniously drank a bottle of wine on Monday night, not the whole bottle, my mom had a glass but then I had a beer leftover from camping in Colorado a few weeks ago. Why? Because one of the dudes I dated (remember the snow dick monument I built- that guy) got married to a girl 1/2 his age that he had known for less than six months. I found out at work because my co-worker who is also a ski instructor saw it on Facebook. It felt icky. I didn’t want to drink, wasn’t craving it at all but did it anyway… and it made me sick. No deep insights, no relief, just sick. I would have been better off eating a meal and studying. I am not really upset that he got married. I don’t really give a shit. I knew he was looking for a wife and he has poor impulse control.

What has been bothering me is last season, the chick he married had a locker next to me. She was new and things were friendly until mid season, I came into the locker room one morning and she was giving me an attitude. I felt this crappy energy, you know how girls do, non-verbal distain bullshit. I was like, WTF, did I do to you? And then shortly thereafter, someone told me they were dating and it all made sense. So, I kept my distance from her which wasn’t too hard because she was pretty closed off to people. I remember because he talked shit about everyone on the ski hill and it put a damper on trying to be friends with people. As a side note, I did have a much better season this year not carpooling with him. Whatever. But the guy, he didn’t keep his distance from me. He was constantly interjecting into my conversations and skiing past my class and staring at me from across the snow field or in the lunch room. I wouldn’t respond to him but he never seemed to get the hint. It was frustrating. People don’t like him. He’s arrogant. I tried to remain cheerful and out going to my fellow instructors and not talk about him but people would come to confide in me about the fucked up shit he did. So, that’s where I am at, feeling weird.

I don’t think it’s jealousy because I wouldn’t trade places with her for anything. Last winter, I would talk to myself and say, “stay out of their relationship, it has nothing to do with you. You don’t wish ill nor do you wish them success, just ski over here, these people are fun. None of this has a thing to do with you. He’s an asshole, blah blah blah blah blah blah”

Why I drank over it was dumb and I knew at the time I was buying the wine but I did it anyway. Maybe I have an undercurrent of defeat. Or regret. Resentment, less than… that’s what I am trying to figure out right now, why I have been wanting to be sober for 3 years and just can’t stay the path.

Hangovers suck and that is my motivating factor for most nights and I can go a week now without worrying too much about it then something like this pops up and it is almost as if I expect to drink… Pavlov’s bell rang and I answered it because that is what I am trained to do.