Mindbending, Mindmending

I’ve been wanting to write all day to check in but my computer sucks, so phone it is…

I’ve been having a really hard time with the professor and the police and watching a fog of depression roll into my system. I’ve been trying to stay engaged with friends and family, however, I am not working now and I lost all motivation to even put myself out there to find a job. I would walk my dog and get a half a block away and turn around and come home. Endless hours of television. Skipping meals. No tears but sure signs of depression. Huge guilt for no motivation.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I told her even though I didn’t want to that I needed to make up with the professor and smooth things out and apologize. I knew that this is totally irrational but it felt like it might be the only way to get out of a major depressive episode that was surely heading my way. I would try to captivate my thoughts but they were uncontrollable because it felt like I had grooves in my brain and the obsession to drink was high and almost painful at times. Even though everyone was on my side and he was surely a creep, I started getting twitchy and it didn’t matter what the truth was, I couldn’t see it anymore. I just wanted out of this state I was in, which was likened to PTSD and dare I say, a dash of Stockholm syndrome.

I’ve seen her enough times now that she could read me. She knows enough of my past that perhaps this experience and wanting to “fix” it is rooted in my childhood trauma history and that I can’t just blow this off because it represented a new low and how I see myself. I am glad I was honest but I am not paying her to lie, however I did not expect to do EMDR that day. I’ve never done it before and my old therapist in Nashville was always hesitant because she said I was too sick. I am so glad she insisted because I almost said no and definitely started to disassociate in my body and in the room.

I have an understanding how EMDR works intellectually but after the experience of it, I just don’t get it and I am not going to question it or fuck with it. It worked. I am a believer. Instead of a firework display show with a symphony orchestra going on in my head, it’s now just a few annoying bottle rockets of fleeting thoughts. The compulsion for a drink is so minimal that it feels a little confusing.

I welcome the relief.

She also told me to stay away from stalker, serial killer crime shows but oh my gawd, Mindhunters on Netflix was so good. And I love the girls on My Favorite Murder podcast, I don’t know what I would do without them on my walks. SSDGM!

I found a new book today that I might get, from Trauma to Dharma- it just came out but if anyone has read it, let me know. And my therapist told me yesterday that she is a recovering alcoholic, which I kinda suspected but didn’t know know, this is good.

8 thoughts on “Mindbending, Mindmending

  1. OMG…my therapist pretty much told me to find some new interests and lighter reading material to cope with my depression. Which hey is effective for a day, but I can only watch so much stand up and you’re right Mindhunters was awesome. Also you should check out S01 of In the Dark, it got a Peabody and is awesome. I am also sober and battle depressive episodes so I appreciate you being open about your experience. 🙂


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you were able to find some relief. Dealing with trauma can’t be easy. I deal with things, but I think you have a lot more to deal with and I’m grateful you are sharing about it. It makes me appreciate the problems I have, embrace them, instead of be upset about them.

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  3. SSDGM indeed! I’ve also wondered what effect listening to too much true crime might have but those ladies are so much fun.

    I’m fascinated by things like EMDR and tapping. They sound hokey but can be surprisingly powerful from the bit of experimenting I’ve done. I can imagine they could be really impressive if done by a trained therapist. I first read about this sort of thing in a book years ago called Healing Without Freud or Prozac by David Servan-Schreiber. I remember it being a really good read.

    I hope you’re feeling much better now. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so glad that you are a murderino too! I haven’t really slowed down on the true crime either but I am doing much better. I think with my ski job ending and a breakup and then another shitshow of a start of a relationship was a hard phase. I have a new job but it’s melting my brain because it’s intense…. I don’t know the product and I am trying to learn a program for processing billing and shit. It’s metal construction that sells products to mining and gravel pits. WTF? So, slowly but surely I am moving on …. but I am definitely going to stick with this therapist. Now we are going to discuss why have a bad picker and what to do about it when the next guy comes along.


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