ExMormon Sober

I’ve been over on the exMormon reddit sub for a week and a half and fuck. These people are nuts. I feel for them. Here’s a video:

I left THE Church when I was 16. They made me president of the young women’s while I was smoking and drinking and said that God wanted me as their leader… that’s when I hightailed it out of there. I didn’t trust their discernment. I told them I didn’t believe in their gospel and to this day, my eyes and brain will gloss over with boredom when I hear anyone talking about the faith. It is so boring. And SO NOT TRUE- I don’t even know what that means… how do you know what’s true? Rules? Underwear?

I  mentally check out when I hear the Mormon/Utah diction in someone’s voice. The Book of Mormon is one of the most boring THEE and THOU bullshit. I love Shakespeare but I can not pay any tribute or study to the Book Of Mormon which they are trying to go for, the King James version when they pray. I’d rather die. Or roll over and pretend that it wasn’t happening, it’s something that has been going on with me since I was a child.

When I did go to church, I would pass on the readings in class and one leader made fun of me because she said I didn’t know how to read, told everyone I was illiterate. I couldn’t read OUT LOUD all those stupid scriptures and make them sound like sentences or make them make sense or true. I would just look at the reading and stumble. I was writing in my journal like they taught us to do. I have them since I was 8 years old. What a mean bitch!

It wasn’t until I took Italian in college that I gained confidence in reading out loud. Isn’t that crazy?  Italian is phonetic. Has an accent. I can read you anything now, in front of any audience and sound like I am telling a story and it will make sense, (in English). I am a good reader of reading out loud, thanks to that teacher at the University of Utah for Italian. She didn’t like me the last quarter of five quarters together because I fucked up and didn’t do my homework for the final because my boyfriend was heading off to Julliard, so I got a C on my final grade but she gave me an invaluable gift.  She taught me to look at the words and feel them in my mouth and understand their meaning and help the listener relate to what I was saying.

Che Bello!

Before that I was always stumbling…

I left the Mormon Church a long, long time ago. 1990. When I was an exchange student in Sweden I would write to my youth group and tell them my doubts and how I got drunk. I got letters back from the leaders (not the same leader that said I was illiterate… she has a prescription pill problem now and accidentally burnt her house down)  saying I shouldn’t tell the girls about how I was drinking but how life was going. I am glad they wrote me. Letters in the mail were a lifeline.

My drinking and the Mormon church has nothing to do with my addiction.

Or does it?

I drank to rebel. I remember when I started smoking that it was my “smoke signal” so nobody would ever mistake me as a Mormon and I am still addicted today.

All I have to say, before this gets too long.  I called my girlfriend tonight from Scratch Ankle, Tennessee (yes, that is a real place) so I could talk to someone who is “normal.” I’m having a hard time in my relocation because my friends aren’t my friends anymore. I’m doing a much better job at being sober and feeding myself. I can’t wait for it to snow and friends for that to pop up because we are ski buddies. My extended family doesn’t want anything to do with me because I left the Church… it’s just me and my mom and my fur family (two cats and a dog) watching our favorite shows because I stopped reaching out to the old pals, drunks and believers.

I went to some AA meetings. I almost made some connections. I was turned off because a lot of them got up and said that they thanked their higher power and also the Church. I can hear it in their voice/accent. I know a Mormon before he even admits it just by the way he talks, walks and vibes.

I just can’t do another cult.

Sober Island …

22 thoughts on “ExMormon Sober

  1. I’m so happy you’re still sober but sorry about the social stuff. It’s hard facing all this stuff but definitely better than staying stuck in the past and its bad habits. As for the video, that’s scary stuff. I don’t know how anybody would be breeding on any plane of existence if they had to get through THAT UNDERWEAR to do it! Holy shit! Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It could have a lot to do with your drinking. Gabor Mate says that most addictions are rooted in trauma. Being raised in a cult is truamatic, surely? You are finding your way and making a life that works for you. I don’t blame you for being turned off by the god thing, it was rammed down your throat from birth. I’m also finding it hard to make new connections with people that arent the old crowd. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What’s Gabor Mate?
      Funny thing, I was reading this post on the exmormon Reddit about a girl asking if anyone felt guilty about drinking even though they had left the church and every single responder was all about getting as drunk as possible as much as possible. I was the only one who gave a bit of a warning about binge drinking and was told to basically shut up. Oh well, I think for my sanity I am going to stay off the internet more. I did find a therapist that deals with addiction and trauma and specializes in leaving polygamy. I see her next week. I think she will have some insights into this crazy religion. I haven’t been affected by polygamy but my grandparents were and my dad has had 6 wives, just not all at the same time- that I know of

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  3. Sorry about the typo above— was supposed to say Christianity not “Christian toy”. I have been a lurker for a very long time and have been following you and many others. Trying to stop drinking here but it’s been hard.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I thought you meant Christian joy.. haha. I lived in the bible belt for over a decade and got a good schooling in all kinds of Christian denominations. Found freedom.
      Quitting drinking is very difficult but it’s also easy- depending on the day. Keep lurking. Keep trying.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Keep trying Lizzie- you can do it! Let yourself be known here in this awesome sober community. Believe me, it has been a Godsend for me. I started blogging August 2016 with a goal of 100 days. I made it but then fell many times after periods of sobriety but I now have 5 months! Basically my life is unrecognizable from 5 months ago. I am happy and at peace.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I thought this was such a great post and I find it fascinating to read about situations like this, and religions that I’ve only seen on TV I’m not sure how I missed this post? but I’m so glad you didn’t delete it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I totally get why you would be put off AA but as an atheist I have found a meeting that meets my needs. I also still go to meetings where there is a lot of God talk but I’m actually ok with that now( wasn’t always, really had to work on my tolerance!) I was so frickin desperate in the end and I just saw something in people there, again, I found my tribe in AA. Mostly the messers, who got my dark sense of humor, just like school. I’m a big fan of Live and let live and whatever works for you.i can’t even imagine what it must have been like growing up in that situation so I won’t insult you by trying to. You sound like a really strong woman and I wish you all the love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I am trying to work on my tolerance for people. I am really not as bitchy as I sound and from what I gather, it’s part of the process when getting sober. I seriously drank to be a rebel and I was flabbergasted by all the AAers getting back into the Mormon church. You can get excommunicated for being a drunk.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha… I don’t it’s been so long but I thought they taught that there is a feminine God mother, but maybe God is a polygamist too. I know in the celestial kingdom, a righteous man will have many wives. I was about 10 years old when they told me about that I was not very happy about it.

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