Curiosity and Irma (Irmagerd)

I’m shaking because I just did something that I haven’t allowed myself to do all summer, I looked at his Facebook page. See memories have been popping up from our engagement and I have been waiting for the one post that got the most likes ever, my rose gold, 1.5 karat diamond ring photo with freshly manicured nails. I think I deleted it last year. It’s not coming around with all the other wacky stuff I have posted through the years. The first ring, the one he used to propose with did but not the picture of the one that I picked out after. I loved that ring. It was pink. Shiny, dainty and fit on my finger nicely, too bad the relationship didn’t match it.

He proposed in a Mexican restaurant while I was crying about wanting to move home and I was stressed out about money and having to do everything myself for my house and yard. I was seriously hung over that day. I was having a Margarita to ease the pain and crying on my taco when he starts in on what I thought was a pep talk but turned into him pulling out a ring. I was stunned. A little embarrassed, not wanting anyone else in the restaurant to see what was going on at our table, so I ordered another couple of drinks and we finally left, I had meekly said yes. I think it was four years ago. Timelines are fuzzy now.

We called our moms that night with the good news. I don’t think his mama was that on board with it because it was a very long drawn out discussion in Spanish while he paced outside in the dark. She did send me a dozen yellow roses a few days later but I could tell from day one that she was fighting to be number one in his life. She’s a whole other gambit to the story of the breakdown of our relationship. He’s her only child, she never married, he grew up in a house with his mother, two aunts and grandmother in Virginia. She’s an immigrant from Columbia and she stopped speaking English in front of me shortly after that first Christmas. He didn’t speak to me for two weeks when I told him “to get his balls out of his mother’s purse” so I hope that gives insight to their relationship and how it impeded ours.

I had just completed two months of intensive outpatient treatment for Anorexia and he had come to all the family support meetings. I was still drinking because I thought I was winning the recovery thing when I had gained weight and was starting to deal with my dangerous ways of starving myself. Looking back now, if I am honest, I was drinking to cope in the relationship. But then, around Thanksgiving he announced that he was going to Al-anon to deal with my drinking and I lost it. I was home, having some wine and he called and told me over the phone. I was so pissed. So angry. Really? My mother went to Al-anon and it saved her life from the narcissistic asshole of my father. I was not my father and he was putting me in that category and he had just fucked with the wrong thing.

And so what do I do? The next smartest thing I could possibly do, I called my ex boyfriend that I still wasn’t over yet. (I don’t know if I will ever really be over him but I am ok with it now) I didn’t think he would answer the phone. He did. I asked him if he had any weed and told him what had just happened and he invited me over to get high. We ended up having sex that night. I took my ring off, put it on the night stand and proceeded with one of the most shameful things I have ever done. (I might barf right now just typing this out) Shortly after this incident I went to Las Vegas to visit my dear friend whose partner had died the Sunday after Thanksgiving in his sleep and I felt that I needed to be there for him. I thought I could sort myself out and decide what to do but all we did was drink and lay around with hangovers and watch bad TV and occasionally visit the casinos. It was just before Christmas and I returned to Tennessee to have Christmas with the fiance and secret pot smoking sessions with the other ex.

In January, the fiance and I broke off the engagement. He demanded the ring back. I spent the next six months going back and forth between the two guys. I started therapy. I had an awful bout of depression and suicidal ideations. And then in June my first attempt at sobriety, I got almost 200 days in a row. The ex fiance and I were trying to work things out and the other one was slowly circling the drain with cocaine use that I had no idea he was using. It was normal for him to disappear and reappear and I knew I couldn’t rely on him. On Christmas Eve, at day 198, I drank a bottle of wine because the ex fiance’s mother had changed our plans because she needed a refrigerator for the house that she had bought but wasn’t going to move into because she would rather rent it out and live with him so of course, that’s what he had to do instead of considering my feelings or honoring the plans we had made. I only had one day off during that time, Christmas and I spent it in bed, hung over, isolating and seriously contemplating the noose that was hanging in my attic. I’m sorry to say but it hung there until I got my house ready for the listing, just in case. There were a few drunken nights that I would climb up there and put it around my neck and cut off my oxygen just to see if I had the guts.

That January, I went back to my therapist. I had fired her for a while. I went back to treatment for the eating disorder but was in a less intensive program. I only had to eat three meals a week with them instead of ten and twenty snacks. The cocaine boyfriend started coming to the group family nights. He entered therapy and NA and I don’t know what I was doing, I had this blog. I was attempting sobriety. I was drinking. I was feeling better. I was in therapy. I was working. I was contemplating changing my life by selling my house and moving back to Utah. I was trying to fix relationships.

I started this post shaking from looking at his Facebook. He has remained in my life. We chatted with whatsapp while I was in Spain. I thought for some reason, maybe, maybe we could be something again because he was flirty and interested and caring about what I was up to. But, shortly after I returned from Spain he told me had met a girl that he really liked. A fat girl. I saw her picture. He hated fat girls and would tell me about it a lot while I was in treatment. I think he secretly liked the fact that I was anorexic because it was some sort of guarantee that I wouldn’t ever gain weight.

So, I unfollowed him and refused to look at his posts and told him that he was welcomed to look at mine but please don’t like or comment anymore. He stopped. And in the back of my mind, I would imagine him putting her on a diet, like he did with me and my drinking. He told me I mustn’t drink but then he would drink in front of me but he could stop- I was the alcoholic. We argued about that a hundred times. So, my sadistic self would image him eating fatty foods in front of her and ordering her a salad out of the love he had for her. By the way, he only went to like five Al-anon meetings in total, just enough to give him fuel but not enough to work.

So, why did I look at his page? Curiosity and Irma- he has family in Florida and sometimes his mother stays there. I wish I could say that I wasn’t hoping she had been water-logged. The girlfriend hasn’t been in any posts since July. I do owe him for opening my eyes to how much I was drinking and looking back, what a shit show. And there is a soft spot in my heart for him. That’s not who I want to be, I’m horrified that I thought that any of it was ok. I know my drinking ruined things for me and others. I don’t know what my life would be like if I hadn’t been a party girl. It shaped my life. It is what it is. Would I go back and changes things? Yes, but that isn’t an option and a waste of energy and brain space.

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I’m in a much better place. Right this moment I really want to drink. It’s day 22 but I am not going to because I am moving on… to better, happier and healthier places and relationships. It’s lonely but at least there isn’t a noose hanging near by – I call that progress.

34 thoughts on “Curiosity and Irma (Irmagerd)

  1. Big hug.
    That’s a lot for you to take in.
    Could you call your therapist? A friend?
    Not drinking is opening up so many possibilities for you. You don’t need to go back to what wasn’t working. It wasn’t your fault.
    You are doing great. Take care of yourself.
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Wow…powerful post..
    So glad you got yourself out of that relationship, I totally identify with how you must have been feeling at the time – the stress, anxiety, depression, self harm and the “drinking at the bad relationship”. All that stuff is symptomatic of living outside what is good and true to your heart.
    You just keep staying aligned with what you really want, what is actually good for you, and doing the “next right thing” and it will get easier with the not drinking again. It has helped me of late anyways…stay strong.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I read your story I can certainly relate to much of your story. I’m a recovered anorexic/bulemic. I have been healed for about 18 years. I’m also a recovered Ritalin addict and I’ve been an alcoholic in recovery for 16 years on march 4, 2018. I would imagine we all have similar stories. Broken marriages, broken relationships, messed up Cracker Jack lives that we created for ourselves but here’s what I know. Everything happens for a reason. Don’t worry about the past anymore. That’s the old you. The new you is a strong woman who has had the courage to recognize her addiction and do something about it. Staying sober isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. As time goes on a new life will unfold for you and drinking, finances and all that jazz will be yesterday’s news. You are a survivor an overcomer. It takes balls to get sober. It takes perseverance to beat an eating disorder. You my friend are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. PS I still like to poke around and look at pictures of my ex. In my case he was an emotionally abusive narcissus asshole but what can I say. I get curious. Even jealous. But in the end I know there’s a reason he’s not in my life. He wasn’t good enough for me lol.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks sugar- I appreciate your response. It is time to get on with things and I am doing it. My eating is pretty normal now and I think I am at a good weight- I am scared of scales because I don’t want a number to mess with my mind. I read your last post- I am sorry about your dad but I like your style. Totally forgot about that Ozzie song. I live with my mom too. It’s just temporary and we were on shakey ground at first but it’s getting better. She doesn’t want me to move out 😆. Thanks again.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t get on the scale either. I still have traces of anorexia but for the most part I’m better. Thank you for reading my blog. I have to say the past 6 years have been a struggle but the good news is I haven’t drank. It seems you and I have a lot in common. That’s great in the sense we can support one another on the good days and the bad. Keep on pushing forward. You can do this. Btw when I first got sober I would tell myself all I had to do was make it until 11:00 pm. (bedtime) and it was another day of sobriety in the books. That’s how I survived my first year

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow…. lots of wisdom expressed here….and all generated by your honest, brave post. It takes a ton of guts to share everything the way you did. Have you tried a Stress Reduction and Mindfulness Program (the one created by Dr. Jon KabatZin). It teaches living in the moment through gentle yoga and meditation. I took the 8 week program many years ago and it was life-changing. There are some home-work exercises that make our mind-body connection startling clear. It helped me immensely and still does, when my mind wants to ruminate about the past or worry about the future (I’m prone to doing both!) The practice of meditation is of course woven through it but it’s the program as a whole that is so beneficial. I also did therapy. All of these things help. I can see the light shining through for you, I really can 😊xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do a lot of insight timer meditation and I can truly say that I am living in my body now. Before treatment and therapy I was living from the neck up and had no clue what they were talking about even. I was a big yogi in Nashville but it’s been awhile now since I haven’t found a yoga place here in Utah. I will look into what you suggested- Thanks!!!!!

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      1. Yes! “Living from the neck up” is such a good way to put it! What exactly is insight timer meditation? I think I might need to try that!!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. You know what? I don’t want to date anyone or be in an intimate relationship at all at this point. I am so much better at going to things alone. I think I am still licking my wounds from the last twenty years of bullshit. Maybe down the road I will be interested again but for now, I am good. I watch women spin out because they don’t have dates and I feel for them but I also want to shake them because so much of their worth is tied to not having a person. I’d rather be single than twisting myself up trying to fit in someone else’s life and expectations. I’ve always known this about myself- it’s just lately that I let it be a positive instead of a negative.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh wow, that’s a lot of heavy stuff you’ve worked your way through. I’m so very glad the noose has no part in it any more, that bit was scary to read and it made me sad you were feeling that down 😦 I agree it’s far better to be single than pick somebody or stay with them just for the sake of having somebody in your life. It sounds like you’re taking big steps in good directions. Stay strong hon x

    Liked by 1 person

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