It’s me again, Margaret

I saw my therapist this morning. She sure wants me to go to meetings. She doesn’t get off it, she keeps circling back to it. There’s been periods that I didn’t trust her about telling me what to do with addiction because it came out that she drank. Apparently, she is a “Normie” though and she has worked through other recovery related issues. I’m sorry but codependency isn’t a chemical addiction. Not the same thing. But, that is what turns me into an asshole about defending the alcohol and why I drank. I get where she thinks that I need community. I stopped arguing with her about it. OK. She might be right. I am quite the loner. I am fine to hang out with myself for days on end. When I have depression it is definitely a lonely experience. I am currently not depressed and I can entertain myself and not feel the sadness of being alone. It’s solitude, not isolation right now. And I do have people. I guess she just wants me to have sober people in person. I have a horrible resistance to AA. It’s from my childhood. It’s from watching my dad still be an asshole. And when I hear people who sound like him in meetings, I get really turned off and want to drink. So, we discussed the trauma from my childhood again and it really was similar to religious abuse. I know, I know. Anyway, it’s not what I got on here to talk about…

Continuous sobriety, I don’t have it. I can string together thirty days, two weeks, three weeks, I even had six months once the first time I really tried. There is something though that comes up for me and I don’t know how to get around it, through it, over it, whatever.  It’s like everything that I work towards, changing my mindset, spending hours listening to podcasts and reading about recovery and putting things into practice like yoga and meditation or walking my dog or meal planning and I start to feel really good,  I then say, “oh just fuck it all” and I drink. Why? I know why. I have an addiction to the sauce. I’m missing something very fundamental to keep it going. To keep my sober car on the road. Poor Belle, she’s reset me so many times.

The eating disorder plays a huge roll. The last few years of being in recovery from anorexia has been a total mind bend. Right now, I’m pretty thin and my hunger cues suck ass. I wish we could just get our nutrition from gummy bears and be done with it. Food is stupid. The fact that I even got a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa was very liberating. Finally, people believed me, not necessarily my friends or family but people who worked in the field that could help me see it for what it is, validating that it is painful to be this thin just as it is painful to be fat, tons of emotional stuff going on here for all of us and we take it out on food. Damn our diet obsessed culture and the misinformation out there about what we should look like and what is the ideal body weight. It’s like drinking culture and diet culture are the “alternative facts” to what makes a happy life most people buy into it and hard to see the shit from the shinola.

Hang with me for a bit longer. There’s a saying in recovery from eating disorders along the lines of “you have to get the tiger out of the cage and walk him three different times around the block a day”  And let’s say that recovery from addiction is locking up the tiger and not letting him out of the cage no matter how sweet he talks to you. I have two tigers here. In two separate cages. One I have to walk around the block and he’s an old crotchety mean guy, I can’t say I enjoy his company that often and one that is totally cute and sweet and loves his walks…. oh the dilemma.  I guess, I should look at it that if I can get these two beasts under control eventually I can send them off to the animal sanctuary and I will be free. In the meantime, it’s my job right now to train them.

 

26 thoughts on “It’s me again, Margaret

  1. I am not into AA now, but I did go to meetings the first time I got sober. I was living on the east end of Long Island and the AA was the best that I’ve ever found and I was able to put together 9 years. I don’t think I would have been able to do it alone. I don’t normally generalize about AA and different areas but NY does have a reputation for solid program. A lot of healing happened when I allowed myself to be “a part” of something because I have been a loner my whole life. I’ve never been afraid to be alone and do enjoy my solitude but to be honest it becomes an excuse and I carry it too far for my own good. I think it’s fear and shame more than the low tolerance I have of other’s idiosyncracies and annoyances. That’s because I can’t tolerate myself most of all. Being in community def softens my edges. The benefits totally win out. It must be incredibly hard dealing with 2 tigers. Just the one is hard enough. Hugs girl.

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  2. If I may suggest: If you have some sort of aversion to AA, then perhaps try an NA meeting. For some reason I find the people there more genuine. They are a younger bunch, but the emotions seems to flow more naturally there. Also, you will NEVER find sobriety in a book, online, in podcasts, from anyone or anything. You WILL find sobriety within yourself. For whatever reason you are not ready. And I don’t buy this rock bottom shit, you’re just not ready. You are not yet “sick and tired of being sick and tired” And again, it will have to come from you and be generated by you. Anyone telling you blahblahblah, is just blahblahblah. So go out and drink and eat and continue on the path. One day, you will fall the fuck off of it, then you will be ready. Until then, I do wish the best for you.

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      1. I hope you won’t be a stranger here. My community has a lot of wonderful folks. I hope you didn’t mind my just jumping on your blog like that. I saw that you liked a comment I made on Darie’s blog, so I was curious when I saw your lovely little gravatar lol

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah. I felt like that was a sincere comment to that lady and nicely put…. but I don’t know you or any of these people. I kinda wanted to tell you to Fuck off but I refrained. I’m not writing for you. I’m writing to figure my shit out. You came in with judgment that I hate from the 12 step community. Thank you for solidifying that- you don’t know how sick and tired I am. But whatever, it’s fine.

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      3. I am sorry you felt that I was being judgemental, I was trying to be the total opposite. Agreeing with you about your perspective on AA. I am just 9 months into my recovery, I identified with you on the reading books, listening to online speeches, etc. The only thing that worked for me was finally just surrendering. I am sorry that you took my comments for judgments. I am the last person that would judge anyone. And I am not a member of the 12 Step community, though I do share literature from all walks of recovery, I do not advocate anything. I advocated that once you are sick and tired enough, you will quit. I won’t bother you again. My sincere apologies.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I haven’t found an AA meeting that I gel with yet and I’ve been putting off trying to find one. I’m scared it puts me off. I’m quite happy with my little sober community I have online. I will one day venure out to try and find a ‘real sober buddy’. I love the visual of the two tigers. Tigers are my favourite animals. xxxx

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  4. You paint your problem really clearly in this post. As a 12-stepper myself, I can suggest that there are certain tigers those rooms don’t handle. And I’ve heard it suggested many a time to seek outside help for issues outside of alcohol (and/or drugs). I also know there are 12-step programs for eating disorders. Maybe even programs specifically engineered for both!

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  5. Hey chickster, I kinda have the same issue with AA & my dad, so I hear ya. I also was annie years ago, and have had a distorted view of my body since. It’s tough! I’m my own biggest critic and it’s super hard to convince myself that I’m worth this battle. I have the same “just fuck it all” thoughts sometimes. I read somewhere that we sabotage ourselves when we’re doing good because we feel like the world can’t handle our supreme awesomeness (or something like that šŸ˜‰ )
    (In other words I have no words of wisdom for you, sorry)

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  6. I resisted AA for several years, and when I first tried, I did not have a good experience.
    But this time, I have found some really good groups, and the woman’s group I go to, is loving, fun, and strong.
    This time, I just kept an open mind, and I have found some real life support people, which is what I need as well as bloggers, yoga peeps, friends, etc.
    I need it all, and the reason for me is accountability.
    When I tried to quit by myself, it was too easy to hide.
    Even reading some blogs on-line I’d be drinking.
    Now, it I wanted to drink, I’d have to go to another country by myself, and even that wouldn’t work because now I “know” so many sober bloggers!
    xo
    Wendy

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  7. I’ll hang with you for as long as you’ll have me.

    AA has been good to me. I won’t bore you with 5,000 words about it. But if you don’t have what you need to string continuous sobriety together and you want it, why don’t you just go to a meeting and ask them if they have it?

    I’ve been in meetings where I told the group what they were saying sounded too good to be true and I wasn’t sure if any of them were even being honest. The ones that get mad are the liars. The ones that laugh are the honest ones.

    They laugh because they don’t have to prove anything. They know they are living better today because they are sober.

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  8. I get you on both the liquor and the eating disorder. Both are shit coping mechanisms. I have not vomited intentionally since 2014 (I was afraid that my esophagus would let loose with a giant bleed between the bulimia and the liquor so I guess I chose liquor lol) and I have been sober since last July but I still don’t have any really GOOD coping mechanisms. I just got rid of the really really destructive ones. But I am aware of not having good ones. It seems that you are searching out good coping mechanisms. If AA ain’t it, thats ok. It’s not the only way. You are making progress, I can see it in your writing.

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  9. AA isn’t the set-in-stone prophecy for the drunken and broken ages. Go with what works for you. I haven’t been to a meeting in almost a year. I am finding ways which work for me, and I just stick with them. I am with ya – let me know if you need a moment to yourself and I’ll babysit the tigers for a few moments (I love big cats).

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      1. Awww. My dog treed a coon a few weeks ago in the pouring rain and would not come in for hours. He’s killed 23 possums and 3 feral cats. I could tell by his bark he had something so when I got the flashlight out and saw it- so adorable. It was a juvenile. Anyway- it was my first raccoon. I wanted to bring him in too. I live by a big park and the Cumberland river.

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