Case of the Mondays

It’s my first Monday morning not working, without a job. It’s not as satisfying as I thought it would be, last Monday I woke up wishing it was this Monday and here I am, not being very grateful. It’s a glorious rainy morning but I have slept as long as I can. I don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday I had the “blahs” so bad that I only got dressed to go to the market because I was watching that show about O.J. Simpson and they said, “Juice” so many times that I had to go get orange juice.  I stopped watching it after I returned with the OJ. I got bored. I’ve been on this kick about women’s prisons lately and found some new episodes.

I’m waiting for the inspector and appraiser to make appointments so I can move forward in the sale of my house. I have no idea when this will happen. Hopefully soon because I need to buy my plane ticket to Spain before my friend leaves without me. I hope this contract is secure and the house sells without a hitch. I’ve gotten a decent offer and I am trying not to be worried that if it falls through I will have to lower my price to unload it quicker. Hence, the no job thing. I could get a job. A temporary one. I’m going to approach that on Wednesday if it starts to get really gloomy inside my head. (I just freaked myself out a little talking about the contract)

This last month has been a state of flux. Not bad. Just trying not to get ahead of myself in doomed thinking patterns that I tend to do. I’m excited about this change. This new adventure that is coming up, very slowly, I might add, is keeping me in the moment because I don’t know what will actually happen. No clue. I have a tentative plan but nothing concrete, for reals, for certain. I may be here awhile. I could leave tomorrow. I don’t have much money, so that is disconcerting but I don’t really spend money. I can live on very meager amounts.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have more sober time before I make these changes like they tell you to do. My word for 2017 is SOBER and my percentage of being sober this year so far is pretty high- it’s not a 100% but I have never claimed to be a perfectionist. God damn alcohol and luring effects and the 4 o’clock shakes and the few “fuck its” have happened. I hate it. I need better tools or to actually use the ones I have, instead of ignoring them. I’ve been thinking of finding some women’s meetings to fill all of this time that I have and its cheap entertainment.  I don’t want to drink because it makes me really sick physically (and do and say stupid shit.) I love how my body feels sans the alcohol. I can’t believe how sick I would walk around in my day-to-day life and not even know it. I had no clue that without the poison my body could actually function pretty well, that it could feel this good. I used to just get over hangovers to try not to get so hung over again. Oh man, I wasted a lot of time. I would marvel at morning traffic and wonder if there was anybody out there that felt as miserable as I did. Wonder how many people were feeling like complete shit. They all looked so happy in their cars and having somewhere important to go, I was certain that I was the only complete fuck up (then I found all of you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) That’s why I am not waiting. I need inspiration. I need change for change sakes. I’ve been at this a long time. I feel ok. I am ok. This has to happen, whatever this is….

22 thoughts on “Case of the Mondays

  1. Sometimes a change in routine can seem odd, even if that change is good! Your mind is telling you that you need to do something. Doing nothing can be very therapeutic!

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  2. When I retired from teaching, I was really lost!
    I ended up subbing a bunch, just to fill the endless time I had.
    But I still filled a lot of time drinking, as I still had too much time.
    Finally, 3 years later, I have more stuff I love to do, not just fill time.
    I really hope your house sells too!!
    xo
    Wendy
    Spain sounds cool!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, that four o’clock “fuck it” arrival. I get that. Glad you’re undefeated in 2017. To stay undefeated, I take some time each morning to surrender. I surrender to the fact that I’m an alcoholic, I can’t take one drink. One drink will get me drunk and lead to a whole bunch more. Love reading your posts.

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  4. I’m not sure how many of my posts you’ve read dealing with my alcoholism. I kind of have a different approach than most people. Some people don’t care for it but it works for me and that’s what matters. First, the women’s prison shows. If you can find it Wentworth Prison set in New Zealand (I think) is the best I’ve seen. I know it’s on Netflix but it might be on other places. The other thing is who is “they” and why do “they” matter when it comes to your health and trying to stay alive? I try not to look at it as “Sobriety” anymore. I use the word “Remission”. The number one reason people go back to drinking is because of a slip or short relapse that leaves them feeling so ashamed and guilty that they figure “why bother” and keep drinking. There shouldn’t be shame or guilt in the equation. I drank for a little over 20 years and while trying to stop at various times using various programs I relapsed every time. It wasn’t until I found the reason behind the drinking that I was able to maintain any real length of time without drinking. Everyone is different and you have to do what works for you. Good luck! I love your honesty.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I will try Wentworth again. I think I was expecting too much of an Orange is the New Black when I last tuned in…

      I’m with you on the Remission part. That’s kinda how I look at it…. or want to look at it. Thanks for your feedback.

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  5. Change is always a challenge. Getting out of our comfort zone is frightening. At least it is for me. But that’s where some of the mojo is, and I’m the type of person who has to be kicked dragging and screaming out of my comfort zone, and then when it’s all said and done, I say “oh, that wasn’t that bad”. Ugh! But it sounds like you’re in transition. And I can relate to how transitions can be overwhelming and unnerving. I went through one a while back, and will be going through another one (work wise) soon, so I get it. Focus on the present, focus on the good stuff and do what you need to do to make it through. Good luck on the sale of the house!

    Paul

    Liked by 1 person

      1. OMG so am I! I have been trying to get it together for over a week now, but KIDS. I need quiet and there is no way I can do them when the boys are home. So last Friday (my day off) didn’t happen, so I am going to chew my own left leg off to make it happen this week 🙂 Thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m feeling that pull towards change too, it’s something that’s followed me around my whole life. Your plans for new adventures sound great, I’m envious about the hiking in Spain. I really hope your house sale goes through asap and you can get on with it. I hear you on the feeling better without the poison in our bodies – no point going back to feeling shit most of the time 😦 Enjoy your current time freedom, and the women’s prison dramas – I used to watch prisoner cell block H which was set at a Wentworth prison, I guess it’s been renamed now. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, it’s pretty terrifying. I thought for most of my life I was claustrophobic but I recently discovered there’s a separate phobia for being trapped or locked in somewhere called cleithrophobia. It doesn’t even have to be a small space, if I can’t get out all hell breaks loose in me.

        Liked by 1 person

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