Day 61

I’m at the walk-in clinic because I believe I have an ear infection.  I’ve been having a headache for over a month and I can feel it in my eustachian tubes. It might be my teeth,  I don’t know.  I just think it’s time for antibiotics.  I’ve tried everything to get rid of it but it’s been awhile and I guess this is what self care is supposed to be. Going to the doctor before shit gets bad.  My boss isn’t too happy that I am not at work but I don’t know if I care.  So,  in a crowded waiting room, I sit. 

I started to get nervous because as soon as they call someone back,  I can hear them direct them to the scale.  Do I stand on it backwards?  I’m curious to what it is too and the more I fidget with this idea the louder the clicking of the pen the kid sitting in the waiting room gets.  It’s driving me bananas.  I’m sure he doesn’t realize he’s doing it.  Click, click, click, stop it.  

Over the weekend, I ran into a lady that I went to treatment with for eating disorders.  I’m going to start going to the Tuesday night support group because I reaffirmed that she would be there. She’s great. We were good friends during treatment.   She had binge eating behavior disorder and had had stomach surgery to make her thin and then realized she had a bigger problem.  She looked good. I need support with this bullshit.  It’s insidious how both alcoholism and eating disorders can tell you,  you don’t have a problem.  Not drinking is a hell of a lot easier than following a meal plan, at least right now it is,  and lately I have been really resistant to getting more support.  I keep telling myself that I can do it on my own.  It’s expensive to get a dietician.  I have all the information.  I know what I am supposed to do.  I’m not accountable to anyone and most of my circle of friends and family don’t understand it well enough to know how to support me.  And living alone makes it tremendously easy to skip meals.  

I just saw my weight.  And my blood pressure is super low. Now I am waiting for the doctor to come in and look in my ears. Seeing my weight was a bad idea because it tells me that I am sick but not sick enough to do anything about it. 

I know I can’t consider myself really sober until I get on and stay on a meal plan for at least for a month. 

********************************

I don’t have an infection.  She gave me shots of novacaine in my neck because I was complaining of headaches and  eustachian tubes being clogged- when she felt the muscles in my neck she said they were super tight.  If it helps,  I’m willing to do anything even though I don’t like needles.  There was also a chiropractor in the building so I got an adjustment.  I think I feel better.  She said if the symptoms don’t go away that I need to see my pcp and that they will order an MRI.  It could be something in my neck/head.  I passed the neurological tests. 

 Bodies are weird.  Complex and amazing but since I have been trying to get back into mine – it’s been a surreal experience.  A bottle of wine is my old way of coping.  This new way is far more challenging than I had anticipated.  Not unattainable. Just a hell of a lot of work and vigilance.  

6 thoughts on “Day 61

  1. I hope your head is feeling better now, headaches suck 😦

    I have no personal experience or friends with eating disorders so please forgive me if my question seems odd but I’m curious, do you enjoy the cooking side of things? You’re obviously creative, that shows from your earlier posts. Would it be helpful to think about, plan and experiment with food from a ‘food as medicine’ point of view (gut rebuilding/gluten avoidance etc)? I think Hippocrates was onto something with his ‘Diseases begin in the gut’ thing. Again, if this is inappropriate please tell me to shut up. I can be a bit of a nutritional nerd myself and am desperately researching nutritional options to help with my autoimmune disorders. Feel better asap, hugs 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No- it’s not inappropriate. I’m a really good cook. I can manipulate food pretty well :)… I just seem to have a mental block when it comes to feeding myself. When there are people around to cook for it is easier. I don’t have hunger ques either so eating when I am not hungry feels wrong and it is extremely difficult to make myself when I am alone and not hungry. I know a lot about nutrition too. Kinda how this all started and this might sound weird but I think that restricting is addictive. I get a “high” when I am not eating. I crash eventually but it soothes something emotional and psychological. It’s jacked up. I know better. When I am drinking it’s definitely in the back seat and I do better with food. Thanks for asking- it helps me think about from a normal point of view.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your response was interesting. My niece has suffered from anorexia and I never understood it….then again I probably never tried to research up on it. How could such a beautiful, outgoing girl have such an issue, I wondered? She never seemed depressed either. What you said about the restricting and the “high” was like a light blub flashing. That makes so much sense that restricting is soothing you in some way. No wonder it is such a battle!!! Big hug as you work to maintain your nutrition and get food into its proper place of fuel needed for the body. Thank you very much for sharing.

        Liked by 1 person

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