Yesterday- I was thinking I felt a shift about all this recovery stuff. This morning I was like right on- there’s definitely a shift. I feel better physically so that helps everything all around but I’ve been feeling more awake and aware. And I slept like a champ last night. Mentally, I’ve been good. Lexapro is my friend. Spiritually- that’s for another post.
Then, simultaneously, while I was caught in traffic, my boss sent me a text that made it seem like I couldn’t think for myself after SHE had messed up my day by doing something stupid. I saw a family out in the heat, holding a sign saying they needed help and had two young boys with them, so I turned around and gave them twenty dollars but it made me feel weird after I did it, perhaps a scam. And I tried to let it go, it’s only $20. Hopefully the kids will get something to eat and a motel room like the sign said they needed. And then this is the kicker, I’ve been listening to the Home podcasts and the first one on eating disorders, flipped me out. They are fucking idiots* when it comes to trying to be therapeutic, if that’s what they were doing. Talking numbers and weight and shit. Trigger city. It got me starting to think crazy thoughts, “should I email my therapist and ask her if I really have an eating disorder.” .. like maybe I don’t. I’ve had anorexia for years. I’m doing ok but haven’t been sticking to meal plan though and cheating my body on food proportions. I’ve been to treatment twice. I turned it off when one of them said, “I don’t know, it just went away.” The other one, though is bulimic and it comes and goes and she doesn’t like to talk about it. Uggghhhh. Why the hell are they making this podcast?