Day 33

Yesterday- I was thinking I felt a shift about all this recovery stuff.  This morning I was like right on- there’s definitely a shift. I feel better physically so that helps everything all around but I’ve been feeling more awake and aware. And I slept like a champ last night. Mentally, I’ve been good. Lexapro is my friend. Spiritually- that’s for another post.

Then, simultaneously, while I was caught in traffic, my boss sent me a text that made it seem like I couldn’t think for myself after SHE had messed up my day by doing something stupid.  I saw a family out in the heat, holding a sign saying they needed help and had two young boys with them, so I turned around and gave them twenty dollars but it made me feel weird after I did it, perhaps a scam.  And I tried to let it go, it’s only $20. Hopefully the kids will get something to eat and a motel room like the sign said they needed. And then this is the kicker, I’ve been listening to the Home podcasts and the first one on eating disorders, flipped me out.  They are fucking idiots* when it comes to trying to be therapeutic, if that’s what they were doing. Talking numbers and weight and shit.  Trigger city.  It got me starting to think crazy thoughts, “should I email my therapist and ask her if I really have an eating disorder.” .. like maybe I don’t.  I’ve had anorexia for years.  I’m doing ok but haven’t been sticking to meal plan though and cheating my body on food proportions.  I’ve been to treatment twice. I turned it off when one of them said,  “I don’t know, it just went away.”  The other one, though is bulimic and it comes and goes and she doesn’t like to talk about it.  Uggghhhh. Why the hell are they making this podcast?

I went to yoga.  It’s a harder class than what I have been doing.  And my intention for this class was to love myself.  That’s all. The mirrors showed my slight case of scoliosis.  I don’t slouch anymore but when I do the forward folds my back is not flat. I know I don’t need to be judging my body in yoga-  so counterproductive.
I don’t want to drink. I don’t have a craving today,  nor yesterday.
Sorry.  I just had to vent.  I feel better.  I’m going to have to start figuring out a meal plan.  I have stuff for dinner tonight.  One meal at a time, right?.  And there still is a shift. … It just sucks when you see the next hill up ahead.
*Disclaimer they aren’t idiots, it just seriously rattled my cage. I’m going to go back and listen to it again and then the next two that actually have experts being interviewed, so there still is hope. And I really like the rest of what they have to say about recovery and not drinking. It’s totally bananas what my brain does to me some days. I hadn’t felt like that since my first day of treatment and I thought it was all bullshit even though my organs were shutting down and I couldn’t identify what was disordered and what wasn’t. I think these girls need a little more schooling though on the topic. They sounded really ignorant, especially with the number shit.

2 thoughts on “Day 33

  1. I listened to the second episode and there is no third. I stand by my opinion that they need more schooling. I think the bulimic one can’t see her issues and even the guest said so. If you have an eating disorder, I recommend these ladies not be your go to of authority on this issue. I liked the guest, I think she is smart.

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