Day 10

It’s Sunday and I have switched to a more watered down version of a cup of coffee. Haven’t had breakfast yet and probably won’t today.  I know, I know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day or so they say, I can find internet evidence that it is not. I have a strong aversion to eating first thing in the morning, it’s almost as if I am going to lose my shit and cry if I have to eat, so I wait until later in the day when food becomes something more manageable. If I can get anything down, it’s usually a banana and an Ensure.  I’m all out of bananas.

I recently went to the gastroenterologist because I have been having issues with nausea and vomiting and haven’t had a solid poop in six months. My eating disorder treatment program knew about these issues but told me they were in my head which led me into a severe depression leading to feeling like shit all the time physically and mentally. Thank God for lexapro for pulling me out of the mental hellhole I was in after I left the program.

Even though I have been trying to stay on meal plan it was extremely difficult physically to do it. I found out why on Tuesday last week after a colonoscopy and an endoscopy, I have a Hiatal hernia that is pushing my stomach into my esophagus, therefore, a REAL physical reason as to why it’s difficult at times to eat more than a few bites and why I get so nauseated and throw up. I hate throwing up food. I will do whatever I can to not throw it up. It’s usually just bile because it happens first thing in morning after sleeping when my stomach has been abused by my hernia. As far as the pooping, my doctor suspects Celiac’s disease- God, I hope not. We are waiting for the labs to come back.

Just knowing this information has made dealing with these symptoms so much easier. I don’t feel as guilty or stressed out about not being able to meet my meal plan. However, I can’t let it be an excuse to restrict either and I will admit I have been doing that. I’m not ever going to tell you how much I weigh because I don’t want someone reading this to compare themselves and be triggered. (And I’m not exactly sure what it is because I don’t own a scale. I only know because I saw it at the doctor’s office- bad idea)  But, it’s very low right now. My anorexic mind loves it. My healthy self hates it. My therapist told me last Thursday that I looked gaunt so that has put some social isolation thoughts in my head.

You know those ladies you see out and about who are super skinny and look like they have drank themselves into a stupor because you can’t tell if they are jaundiced or just tanned and you can usually find them in the smoking section with saggy wrinkles and are actually much younger than they appear, I DON’T WANT THAT TO BE ME.  If I don’t do something drastic in the next few months, it will be me. Not the version of myself that I imagine, my future self, but a very stark reality.

This being sober and working on my thoughts about myself is serious business. Yesterday, as I was driving to a friend’s house that is 8 miles on the interstate, I heard two commercials about drinking making everything better and saw at least four very enticing billboards promoting our alcohol soaked society. I live in Party Town, USA and I am feeling like an odd duck. I have sober friends that I talk to often. I read sober blogs. I listen to sober podcasts. It’s helping a lot. I’m not against going to recovery meetings but I find myself  leaving them more triggered to drink because I see my asshole of a father in other people and right now, I can’t do it. More about him later.

One thought on “Day 10

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s